"my pee looks like apple juice"

I'm listening to 'Little Bird' by Annie Lennox at the moment. I quite like her music although it's not the sort of thing that I'd usually go for. I bought 'The Annie Lennox Collection' last week. I still haven't listened to all the songs though. That's what I aim to do now whilst I'm doing this, talking on MSN and clogging up everyone's Bebo with comments.

It's quite sad that I no longer enjoy French. It's one of my stronger subjects and I dread every lesson. I know it might sound a bit pathetic, but it's ever since George got moved down. It's affected me more than it should've done. I just hate being so lonely and having no one to talk to. A lot of people have told me to ask him if I can move, but where to? I have absolutely no friends in that class and it'd be a waste of time. No one's interested in talking to me. They'd much rather talk to their existing friends. Lewis is my only friend in that class and he already sits next to someone. He wouldn't want to sit next to me anyway. Another thing that made my lesson more enjoyable was the fact that Mr. Jackson asked me if I was ill last week. I didn't know what to say to him. I just replied with a pathetic "family stuff". He gave me the most awkward looking face ever as if to say "shit, why did I just say that?" I get the feeling that he doesn't like me anyway. I have no real opinions, I sit there in silence every lesson and I don't make his job any more interesting for him. I'm another one of those kids that sit in the background. Barely noticed. It makes me feel so sad. There are nice people around me, but I don't know what to say to them. They have their own friends.

I wish I could say what I had on my mind, but I don't want my friends to read it. I don't mind people that I don't know reading it because they'll have no idea what I'm talking about. Even dropping a small clue would give the game away completely. It would be so obvious who I was talking about. Only Kathryn could read this message and perhaps figure out what the fuck I was on about. I can wish all I like, but it's not going to happen. In some ways I guess you could say it was pathetic, but more than ever it's getting to me. It's one of those things that I shoved to the back of my mind and tried to forget about, but I've never forgotten. It's been there the whole time, even if nobody noticed it. Sorry about this, but I had to write something. Even if it is incredibly annoying that you don't know what I'm on about.

I haven't updated my blog for a while now, so I thought that perhaps I should. The clocks went forward this morning and it always manages to confuse me. I've already lost an hour with my mum before she starts her chemo tomorrow, and I have to waste yet another hour when my nan and granddad come round later. Probably the whole family, thinking about it. I wish that they would all just fuck off. She's my mum and I'm not willing to share her. They didn't care before all this happened, so there's no point in ruining my time with her now just because they feel guilty. I've got no problems with my nan being here, but the rest of them drive me insane. They're all fucking imbeciles. The whole lot of them. Do you know how depressing it is to know that one day, the only family I'll have left is my two idiotic cousins? My future is already sounding bright. My mum is dying and I'll be left with a mum dad and a load of fucking inbred cockheads. I love my dad to pieces, but he's not my mum. I know he does everything that a mum would do in a normal family, but he just can't be her. I don't know what I'm going to do without my mum being here. Even if all she does is watch TV, say stupid things, burn my dinner, drop things on the floor and chew with her mouth open etc. I still love her. It makes me sad to think that she's going to put herself through all this pain just so that she can spend an extra 2 years with me. I know that time will be ruined. What part of "if you have a cold or any other illness, you can't visit mum" don't they understand. If they come in with a cold they'll fucking kill her because her immune system will be so weak. I can't get over how thick all my relatives are. I know this is going to sound incredibly vain, but me and my dad are the only intelligent ones.

Well, I was in a good mood this morning until I thought about all that. I'm so mixed up. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to have to go to school tomorrow and face everybody. I'm going to get all these sympathetic smiles, I'm going to be all emo and people are gonna want to know why. I might even go the other extreme and act like a complete twat as usual, just to take my mind off things. I don't want my friends to abandon me because I won't be the same Sarah anymore. How can I possibly get on an do my work, when I can't think? Life just takes the fucking piss out of me. I thought it was meant to be a balance of good and bad things, but I only seem to get all the crap. I just don't know anymore. I didn't ask to live. I don't even know if I want to. Yeah, I do have some good times, but they're not worth all the shit I go through. I'd never kill myself, because I don't have the guts to. I just couldn't do it, but sometimes I think it would be better off if I no longer existed. It'd just be like being asleep and never waking up.

I'm going to stop now. Only half of those things are true, I know. I can't help but feel that way though.

Good morning again people! I was planning to go to school today, but I woke up feeling really rough, so I decided not to. I'll definitely be back for Monday though, just in case any of you are missing me haha! Actually, I've got a lot of school work to catch up on now as well. I'm not even sure if we're at school next week. Somebody tell me when the school holiday is!

So, yesterday, I was gonna do write another blog post, but I felt too ill to even sit up. Basically, I was traumatised after going to get my jab. The nurse was really nice, and it was all over in a few seconds. She kept me there longer than I needed to be though because she kept going on about clamydia. I'm only 15 and I haven't had sex! I would never do it unprotected anyway, so they're wasting their time. I'm a sensible girl! Anyway, I just wanted to go home. Mum had to help me into the car because I couldn't walk properly. I know it sounds pathetic, but it made me feel really ill. When I got home I was just talking to some people on MSN and my hearing and vision started to go, so I thought I'd better lay down before I fainted. My arm is killing me right now. It aches so bad and the whole left side of my body is stiff. The thought of being injected with part of a disease is disgusting. Still, I feel sorry for my mum. She's at hospital right now, presumably having the tube put into her arm, ready for the chemo on Monday.

I was really pissed off last night to find out that Mrs. Kay is going to mark out business coursework at the weekend. I haven't finished the last piece yet because I was ill. There's no way that I could've got it into school for her so she'll just have to wait. Tough luck. I fucking hate business. I'm glad I've missed 2 out of the 3 lessons this week because her voice gets on my nerves. I can't stand being in her classroom. It's so depressing. I either leave the room wanting to kill myself, almost in tears or both.

awesome game nicked from whoever started it =D

I liked the game...

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own!

1. You got me running, going out of my mind.
2. You, do you remember me?
3. Hey pretty baby with the high heels on.
4. I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams.
5. Baby wake up, baby come see.
6. I used to be lunatic from the gracious days.
7. Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire.
8. Baby, I can't figure it out, your kisses taste like honey.
9. Is it getting better?
10. I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.
11. Baby can’t you see, I’m calling?
12. Mean, lean, lazy and fine, that's the way I make it make it mine.
13. I’ll sing it one last time for you. (E)
14. Beauty queen of only 18 she had some trouble with herself.
15. You can hide your eyes, you can dim the lights, but they are watching.
16. Clean shirt, new shoes, and I don’t what I am gonna do.
17. Oh my distorted smile, will tighten it’s grip.
18. I know, ‘cause I’ve seen it, it was great, and I want it.
19. Look at the stars, look how the shine for you. (E)
20. We don’t need no education. (E)
21. Well when you go, don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay.
22. For all those times you stood by me.
23. Radhe, radhe, radhe, jay, jay, jay, sri radhe.
24. You need coolin’, baby I’m not foolin’.
25. When the daylight comes and I look across the room, I see you’re gone.
26. I’m all over my heart’s desire.
27. Take away the sensation inside.
28. Everything’s so blurry and everyone’s so fake.
29.This was never the way I planned, not my intention. (E)
30. It’s been the longest winter without you.

I can't believe that I've left it so late in the day to do a blog post today. Usually I would do it in the morning, seeing as I'm not at school. I think that I'll be going back tomorrow anyway. I'm fed up of sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing all day. It'd be nice to see all my friends too. I've missed them a lot. They have this weird ability to cheer me up. Lewis cheered me up last night.

I signed up to Bebo! I hated it at first, but it wasn't so hard to do in the end. There are still some things that I don't understand, but no worries. I'm a very quick learner when it comes to stuff like this.

I can't actually think of anything else to say because I haven't done anything for almost a week! :-O

I'm really bored at the moment. In some ways I wish I was at school, but I know that it wouldn't be worth it. I just need to find something to do. Hobbies are always a good way to take your mind off things. All I need is something that will keep me occupied. Obviously I'd need to enjoy it too. I just can't think of anything for me. Does anybody have any ideas?

I will get it into my head eventually. That my mum is dying.

something something comment/iframe.do

Good morning to you all, although I'm sure that some of you will probably read this later on in the day. For those of you who do: good afternoon, good evening and goodnight.

At the moment, I'm sitting in the corner of our living room, making a lot of noise on the keyboard of the computer. Perhaps my parents should invest some money into a keyboard that has flat keys because the one that we have makes a ridiculous amount of noise. One more annoying thing about our computer is that it has some sort of small bug inside the screen. I don't see any possible way to get it out. You might not think something like this would be so annoying, but believe me, it is. Especially when you're word processing because it sometimes looks like you have put an accent on a random letter. This is never good when I'm typing out anything French because it confuses me, what with their grave and acute accents.

It's also really cold in this corner, but that's because we have some weird air vent down the side of the wall. This means that I have to wear my gay pink socks just to stop myself from getting a mild form of frostbite. I look bad enough as it is right now. My hair is all over the place, and hasn't even been brushed this morning. I'm also wearing a black hoody that is covered in pillow feathers. I'm not even wearing any make-up at all. I don't go anywhere without foundation on. It's become some weird addiction.

I'm not at school again today. I'm not ill, I just can't be bothered to go in and do school work. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the worst days of the week anyway. I think I'll be going back tomorrow though. I don't like to take more than two days off school at a time because I get so behind. One thing that has pissed me off is the fact that I won't be able to go to after school maths again because I'm going to get my vaccinations. I would've had them weeks ago if I hadn't had the flu.

I'm taking advice and I'm going to talk about things. I can't describe to you how I'm feeling right now. There is no real feeling. I'm angry, sad, distressed, annoyed, tired, bored... and lots of other emotions that I can't remember the names of. I'm not at school today because I had some bad news yesterday and I really couldn't be bothered to get up and go through the usual school routine. As I'm sure you all know, I hate Tuesdays.

Yesterday my parents got an unexpected call from the hospital. The doctors had got the results from all the tests a bit early. Basically, they can't operate on my mum. There's too much cancer. Those other 'masses' they found were cancerous, but I think we all knew that in our minds. It's just a shock to know that they can't do anything about it. Well, the only thing that can do is give her chemotherapy. This will shrink the cancers and prolong her life to maybe months, maybe years. I'm hoping years. It won't cure the cancer though. Our whole family is distressed. I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't here anymore. I don't like to imagine it, but perhaps one day in the future it will become reality.

Anyway, as I'm sure you can imagine, I am very upset at the moment. I just don't understand why out of all the people in the world, my mum had to be the one to get cancer. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but surely bad people deserve it more than she does? I know that no one deserves anything like this, but it's still irritating. At the end of the day, it's only another statistic. That's what makes me question life so much. If we mean as little as a number, then why are we all alive?

I'm not going to do any school work today. I think that even attempting to do so would be most ridiculous. I just couldn't concentrate on it, and I'm really not in the mood.

I have a really bad headache at the moment, and I'm doing nothing to help myself. I'm on the computer for one, and everybody knows that staring at a screen when you have a headache is no good for you. I also have Pink Floyd on really loud because both of my parents are at the hospital and I've eaten a lot of sugar today. I find that after eating a lot of sugar, I'm almost always incredibly tired and that then makes me more vulnerable and therefore more likely to get a headache. I was also sat in a boiling hot maths classroom for over an hour and we had to do quadratic equations. I found it extremely difficult and after I while I started to fidget and complain. Then after that I had to sit through a crappy assembly about I don't know because I couldn't hear a word that the people were saying. Neither could I see the screen at the front of the hall because I have terrible eyesight. After that I had to walk home in the freezing cold and I got some sort of brain freeze. When I got into my house my face started to burn because of the sudden increase in temperature. From that you will probably come to the conclusion that I am very irritable. I'm in a good mood, but saying the wrong thing might set me off.

I am talking to Jack on MSN right now. Both of my parents really like him, especially my dad. He says that he has a good sense of humour. That's always nice to know. I wouldn't want my parents to hate my friends. Besides, I wouldn't care if they did. I will hang around with who I want to and there's nothing that they can do to stop me. They would never stop me from seeing my friends anyway because they're cool like that. To be honest, it would be a waste of time trying because there's always a way to bend the rules. I have a skill for bending rules and not getting into trouble. ;-)

I started my Romeo and Juliet essay today! I wrote about 250 words. I thought I might as well start it today because it will take me ages to write it. I've got all the ideas, I just can't get them down on paper properly. I'm not that good at writing. I've always been in top set for English, but sometimes I wonder whether the teachers made a mistake or something. I got all level 5's for my Key Stage 2 SAT's and all level 7's for my Key Stage 3 SAT's. That must mean something.

My nan and granddad just rang twice in a row. I ignored it both times. We have a special ringtone on our phone that plays when the 'Senile Old Man' phones. Then we know when to ignore it. Me and my dad are terrible, I know, but neither of us can stand him. If it was urgent then they'd know to phone my mobile. Besides, I would only answer it from nan's phone. That's how much I don't like him. It would be silly to get into details just in case any of my family ever read this. He's a horrible man.

It's almost 5pm and I'm getting hungry. I've been eating constantly all day so there's no reason for me to be, but I am. It looks as if I might have to cook my own dinner tonight because there;s no one here to cook it for me. When my mum goes into hospital for her operation and chemotherapy, dad will be back and forth from the hospital so he'll probably be too tired to cook for me. When that period of time comes it's going to be hell. Everyone will be all stressy and upset. I'll hate it. I just want to get on with my life and pretend that it isn't happening. Mum would feel guilty to know that it was affecting my school work, so I'm doing my best to get on with life. I must say that I'm doing a fucking good job of it. Anyone else would just break down.

jack the failed mechanic

I've had a fucking awesome day today! I went to my nan and granddad's house, but most of the time I was outside with Jack. We were just spazzing about and then in the afternoon we went into the shed and played with out balls. ;-) Looool! They were 6 tennis balls and we just completely wrecked the place. I should upload the photos from my phone later because it was hilarious! I'm not sure If I can put the videos on here, but I'll try that too. I found a load of weird photos today. They were of me as a baby, and I was naked in like all of them. What is it with parents and taking pictures of you naked as a baby? I just don't get it. Maybe it's my parents! HAHAHAHA!

Anyway, good day. I gave my nan a Mother's Day card in the end, and it made her cry. My mum was crying over her card too because it was so nice. It's not so hard to write something nice. ;-)

Did all you guys who read this have a good day?

I'm really pissed off that my parents have bought me a Mother's Day card to give to my nan. I don't agree with it. She isn't my mother. I know it would make her very happy, but why should I be forced into writing a lie, something that I don't believe in? I fucking hate Mother's Day and Father's day. I never put any effort into making them special because I think they're a load of bullshit.

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Chav

I'm really fucking fed up at the moment. I've actually had a really good day. I went out with Emma, Kirsty and Jack. We didn't do much to be honest, just messed about and did a bit of shopping. We saw Zoe and Phil out as well and we sat with them for a while, but then we went our separate ways. The point in which I wanted to leave was when we first saw Zoe and Phil. I don't know what happened, but I just started feeling really weird. I have no idea why I started feeling like that because I was having a great time. I wasn't even thinking of anything. I didn't like being surrounded by all these people and I started to feel really suffocated. I got a text from George as well, so that made me think of him and then it made me sad. I was also a bit pissed off that he didn't text me back.

I'm getting another Chinese takeaway for dinner tonight. I never have them this often. I only had one last night! I'll start getting really fat if I keep eating stuff like this. I need to get my diet sorted out because I eat all the wrong things and too much of them. I know what a healthy diet is, but it's so hard to eat these foods because I'm so fussy. I've been brought up eating crap, and now it's almost impossible for me to change my eating habits. I'm just so unhealthy and unfit. I feel tired all the time, and I get depressed a lot.

I wore those shorts today. I was wearing some black tights with them. I haven't worn shorts since I was about 10, and that was 4 years ago. I just don't feel comfortable. I don't mind wearing tights with them though. That's a start I guess. I just hate my legs because they're so fat and far too pale. I much prefer trousers.

Perhaps I've just tired myself out. I don't know. *sigh* I just want someone to talk to. I'm so damn lonely. Seeing all those couples out there today didn't help either. I hate seeing them laying in the sun together, all happy. I wish I was all happy, but how can I be? I have all this shit on my mind. I'd love to say everything, but I can't because some people might read it and be offended. I don't want to mention anyone's name, but that's the only way I can get it out of my system. I don't enjoy being bitchy, but sometimes it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe I wouldn't have to resort to that if people complimented me once in a while. I feel so unappreciated.

I am absolutely knackered at the moment. It's the end of the week, I've been up town with my mum this afternoon and I'm far too full from my dinner. I bought a black hoody, a sky blue t-shirt, a black t-shirt, some school trousers and some school shoes. Oh, and some sort of Garnier body lotion. It actually smells really nice, not like some of the other body lotions that I've bought in the past. It's a kind of an apricot scent. I got some plasters too, and some tissues, but they're boring. I got treated to a Chinese takeaway for dinner too, so that was nice. I thought it would be cold by the time we got home, but mum didn't walk so slow on the way back from town.

I'm listening to the first part of Penderecki's 'Cello Concerto' right now. I think he's the bloke that did the music for 'The Exorcist'. I know he's a Polish composer anyway, maybe not the right one. I really love the music, it's just so creepy and weird. It has an eerie atmosphere to it, and that drew my attention to it immediately. I'd quite like to see 'The Exorcist' actually. It's a classic film, something you definitely have to see in your lifetime. I saw some clips of it on YouTube yesterday, and it looked pretty weird to me. "The power of Christ compels you!" LOL! Those guys won't give in will they? I expected the girl to look more evil, but she just looks disfigured. Darn it! The spider walk scene isn't very nice. The effects are pretty crappy to be honest, but the idea is still good. She just climbs down the stairs backwards, tilts he head back and all this blood oozes from her mouth. I also expected her voice to be more Satanic, but I was disappointed there too. It actually made me laugh...

I'm getting back into classical music again. I love piano pieces. I have no idea who is who, neither do I care. I quite like Chopin. I don't need to know what the songs are called though. They have stupid names anyway. No one gives a shit what key it's in. I don't care whether it's in E flat or A Minor. It makes very little difference to my life.

Here we go... my dream.

Train: Followers. String. Connections. Be aware of present changes in your life.
Time: Irreversible. Continuity. Arrival or departure of feelings. Organizing your inner self.
Platform: Position. Stage. Triumph. A need to show the real you in front of others.
Clothing: Identity. Self image. Exploration of new roles or rejection of old.
Spit: To be rid of something that is part of yourself. You feel the need for inner cleansing and spiritual healing. Spiting may represent anger and contempt.
Friends: Joy and consolation. Aspect of self ready for integration.
Shopping: Options. Necessities that need to be fulfilled.
Money: Commodity. Profit or loss. Security. What do you value in yourself?
Dark: Mystery. The unknown and unformed. A place of fear or of potential. Difficulties ahead.

Well, that's my life all over.

Today has been a boring day, but nevermind. I will be starting my science coursework soon, so I'm not particularly looking forward to that. I like science, but I don't really question anything. I don't see the point because I'm not a scientist. I haven't learnt what already exists yet, so I'm not going to try and be clever by finding anything new. Until I know where the universe came from and why I'm here I will not be satisfied. Perhaps if I knew that I had a purpose on this planet then I'd try harder. As far am I'm aware, there is no meaning to life. I didn't ask to be born and I had a very low chance of being me. I want to know why I am the way I am. No one can give me the answers and it's frustrating. I don't want to live a life that means absolutely fuck all. Like I said, there is no point in it.

I think that the reason I'm always so depressed is because I have to go to school. I hate it. I know I need to get good grades or else I will get a crappy job and spend the rest of my life struggling to get by. At the end of the day, what does money mean to me? All it means is that I'll be able to buy nice things, it won't necessarily make me happy. I'm going to do well at school, but only because I have to. I still don't see any real reason to.

Last night I had a really weird dream. I was sitting on a double decker train, coming back from a school trip. I was sitting next to Kathryn, and she said "look, it's Charles I!" After that she got up and moved to another carriage. I was left sitting all on my own, so I tried to get Emma to sit next to me. She said "no, I'm going to sit with Jack." We arrived at Ely station and everybody got off to walk home. It was getting dark and I thought that it was about 6pm, so I asked someone for the time. They wouldn't tell me. I asked Tilly, but she ignored me. I ran into Costa Coffee, which was a New Look, but it was really posh shop filled with gold and expensive material. I went upstairs and saw some blonde girl from school. Then Finn came in and asked for a tuxedo. The cashier charged him £70 for it. There was also some point where I spat on Louis, but I forget where in the dream it was. Jack M. and Matt where there too, but I can't remember where.

Anyway, I'd love to know what it all meant. I might try to analyse it now.

I am outraged. I told my dad that I didn't like pies. What did I have for dinner? A fucking pie. I'm not going to write anymore because I'm really angry about it. I swear he wants me to drop down dead from stress.

over the hills and far away, where the teletubbies come to play

I'm in a great mood right now. I just got back from town with Tilly and I bought a pair of denim shorts... not that I'll ever wear them! I really wanted them, so I bought them. It is a bit of a waste of money, but I just wouldn't have been satisfied otherwise. Anyway, right now I am talking to Jack and Kirsty, so that's nice. It's really weird that I speak to Jack all the time on MSN, but not at school. I guess that's because he's isn't in any of my classes. He's still pretty cool though, even if he can't spell for shit. Well, not shit literally, but you know what I mean. Another thing, I actually spoke to Lewis today for the first time in ages! I miss all the retarded stuff that we used to get up to. I still think that Jazz, (yes YOU, Jazz!) should get rid of the photogrpahic evidence of us in the slide together. Maybe if he wasn't dressed up as a granny Viking... ;-)

Lol today when I stopped off at Emma's house I went into her fridge and squirted mayonaise all over the kitchen counter and rubbed it in with a teabag. Lol, 'teabag'. This is what happens when she goes to the toilet and leaves me all on my own in the kitchen. She wouldn't let me in the cupboard though. :-( It's amazing in there because it's full of the most random things, such as childrens toys. I don't think her dog likes me much though. Maybe it was because I was making so much noise! :-) I shouldn't shout 'Barley' either because it confuses the dog. (Her name is Charlie)

I should be doing mt citizenshit homework, but I can't be bothered. I think that talking about rubbish with Jack is far more important. ;-)

I'm in one of those "I love people" moods right now. I guess that's not such a bad thing. I know I often go on about how much I hate them all, but I never mean it. There are nice people out there, you just have to find them. I really appreciate all the friends that I have and all the different people that are out there. You make my life interesting, even those of you that are complete arseholes. I don't blame you to be honest, there's always a reason why people do things, even if it's not clear to the rest of us. I've just realised how positive this blog post is so far and I'm rather proud of myself. I can't remember the last time I felt like this and it feels like a step forward. I know that I'll always be a negative person, but that's just the way I am. The only thing I can do is accept it. Being negative isn't such a bad thing really, it just means that I have to try extra hard. I'm just one of these people that needs to feel like they're loved and sometimes I can't see it. I guess that this makes me blind because it's obviously there. Thanks to the person who gave a slap around the face (not literally) and made me see this. It was a while ago and you'll never read this, but thanks anyway.

That reminds me in drama last year when we me and Claire where performing and she got a bit carried away and slapped me really hard around the face. It hurt quite a lot, but it was perfect for our scene. This is why I love Claire: because she's just so unpredictable! We don't really speak much anymore, which is a shame, but it's not the end of the world. I miss drama a lot now I think about it. I wish that I'd picked it as one of my options this year, but I didn't. I can't put my hand up in class or read aloud, but I can perform on a stage. It makes no sense, but that's the way it is. I can't act without a stage area and an audience. I was doing really well last year and I loved drama so I don't know what came over me when I filled in the form for cooking. I do fine on all my written work, but I can't cook! I think I could be a great cook if I wanted to be, but that's the thing, I don't. I'm not interested in cooking or learning about food. I just want to eat it.

I want a new teddy so badly. I know that I'm way too old for them, but I want one anyway. I've had mine since I was 6 years old, so that was 9 years ago! His name is Big Fluff and he's in terrible condition. I can't sleep without him. His fur is all matted and he has hardly any stuffing left in him. He's had to have surgery on his back twice when he was ripped open. My nan sewed him back up for me both times because my mum fails at it. I remember using the sewing machines last year at school in my technology class. My machine used to be jammed up constantly and I think my teacher got fed up with me in the end. Nevermind that though because I don't have to do it anymore. I did actually successfully make a cushion at the end of last year! It took me fucking ages, but I completed it in the end. Go me!

I'm so sorry grandma, I can't carry any more shopping bags

Good morning to all of you who bother to read this. I'm actually shocked that no one in my house has had an argument yet, considering it is a Sunday. Hopefully I won't be at home for much longer because Kathryn has asked whether I want to go round her house today. I said that I'd text her after lunch because otherwise I'll get into trouble. I'm sure that it's very irritating when you put a lot of effort into cooking a roast dinner, and then one person just buggers off out. I know that I would be furious if somebody did that to me, so I won't do it to them. I prefer things like this to be organised, but it won't hurt me to go out once in a while without any plans. I'm not sure what we're going to be doing, but I'm sure that it's better than sitting at home on the computer. I did get invited into Cambridge with Jack to go and see a film, but I turned him down. I'm not going to faff about planning to go to Cambridge at such short notice. I would've gone if we had planned it the day before, but not today. I'm just weird like that I guess.

Anyway, I have completed my business coursework! Well, obviously not all of it, but I am up-to-date with what we were asked to do. This is a big achievement for me, until Monday, when I'll get it thrown back into my face.

I really fucking hate American Idol. My parents put it on every Sunday and it's extremely irritating. Everything seems so "happy families" in America and I hate it. I'm sure this isn't true at all, but that's how it appears to me on the TV.

I love accusing Jack of being gay with Miles. Hahahahahaa! Honestly, every day it's Miles this, Miles that! xD

I'm listening to Live and Let Die by Guns 'N' Roses right now. I don't think that Axl Rose has a very good singing voice, but the music is pretty good. I can't remember where I read it, but 'Axl Rose' is an anagram of 'oral sex'. It's so very true, you do learn something new every day. I think I might've read it in an old Kerrang! magazine. I remember the days when I used to collect it, but then I just grew out of all that stuff. I'm not interested in it anymore, and the price of it has increased a lot. I've changed quite a lot in the last two years actually. Well, I think I have.

I'm listening to Ma Ma Ma Belle by ELO now... wait, no I'm not. It just changed to Make it Mine by Shamen. I have some really weird music on my phone. The album that I want at the moment is called Hold Your Colour by Pendulum. I haven't actually bought any albums for such a long time that I have cravings. I just like having them. I also love going around Cambridge looking for CD's. I often buy old CD's secondhand and replace the cases if they are in bad condition. I buy a lot of stuff like that secondhand. I know that I only have a certain amount of money on me, and I feel better when I come back with more stuff. I wish I could just go out and enjoy the things that are free, but I can't. I always end up going in shops.

"I'm starting at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, And no message could've been any clearer, If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then a change." - This is quite true, only I'm not a man... :)

I absolutely love Johnson's products! I bought this shower cream stuff and it's SO nice! I also have loads of body lotions and stuff, not that I ever use those regularly. Who has the time to moisturise anyway? Sometimes I do after I've had a bath or shower, otherwise I just can't be bothered. It's not as if it actually makes a difference to my life. I am obsessed with shampoo though. In fact, I think I'm addicted to washing my hair. I'm also addicted to foundation. I love the Gosh stuff, but it's so expensive. At the moment I think I have Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse and some other stuff. All my Gosh stuff has almost run out. :-O

"My milkshake brings all the boys the yard!"- LOL that song always makes me laugh. I'm not entirely sure why I even have it, but there you go. I did say I had some weird stuff on my phone.

I'm feeling much better now, although still irritable and tired. I don't plan to go to bed any earlier tonight. Anyway, I've heard that sleep deprivation can cause temporary euphoria. I haven't experienced anything of the sort yet, but maybe I might if I continue the way I am. I'm sleeping fine, it's just that I wake up so early in the mornings. I find that it varies between 4 or 5am. I'm not entirely sure if this is the natural time that my body wakes up, or if I'm being woken up by some inconsiderate person's noise. My next door neighbours have a dog, so it could be them and the people across the road are always noisy. My dad also wakes up early like me, so perhaps it's him. He's sleeping downstairs at the moment with my mum. We have a bed in our living room so that my mum can lay there in comfort when she's feeling poorly. She'll only get more poorly now because we think that he cancer has spread. The doctors have found another 'mass', but with the information that we already know, it's almost certain that it is more cancer. This means that she'll have to have the full blown chemotherapy treatment. I'm taking it all well so far, but I guess that's because I'm tough. Anyway, enough of that.

I'm having a Chinese takeaway for dinner tonight. I think dad felt sorry for me because I'd had such a crappy day at school. This is not technically true, just the last hour and 20 minutes of the day. I don't know what happened to be honest. I was having an alright day and then I had a great lunchtime, but during science I just didn't feel that great. I just felt really run down and tired. I had to do a test today as well, but I didn't very good in it. I only got 12/20, which is a terrible 60%. To be honest I didn't really understand any of the topic that we'd been studying. It was all about chemical equations, atoms and ionic bonding etc. I think it was the fact that a lot of it was related to maths. I've been offered the chance to move up into the top set, which if great news. I might actually learn something now, especially if I go to the after school classes too. I didn't go to the last one because I couldn't be bothered. I didn't really have any excuses not to go, I just didn't feel up to it. I didn't want to sit all on my own either.

I just got told off for swearing, but my dad knows damn well that I wasn't swearing at him. It's not like I give a shit what he thinks of me. It's his fault that I am the way I am because he's the one that brought me up, along with my mum of course, but it's not as if she ever did much of it. So what if I swear? Sometimes it just comes out when I'm annoyed. He doesn't know half the stuff that I talk about when I'm with my friends, nor do I wish to tell him. I am my own person and he has to accept that. I accept things about him that I shouldn't have to accept, but there's no need to go into that.

I got a D in my citizenship test today. I suppose that a D is a great accomplishment to some people, but not to me. Some of the stuff I wrote was really offensive and it wasn't relevant to the question at all, but who cares? Citizenship is only worth half a GCSE after 2 years of work. I want to try and stick to the rules, but why should I be forced into writing something that I don't believe in? I think that it's wrong, but that's just my school for you. I suppose that my opinions "aren't on the curriculum"? My teacher took me aside and spoke to me, but I already knew what she was going to say. I know I have to stick to the rules, but I find it so hard to.

This has taken me over and hour to write so far because I had to stop to go and eat my dinner. I'm sure that the Chinese would frown upon this sort of food and call it disgraceful, but there you go. These companies are only trying to make money for themselves, and I don't blame them. I mean, I would. Perhaps Chinese people find it offensive that this greasy MSG coated food is named after them. I suppose it is a bit annoying really considering that real Chinese food is nothing like this.

I have been invited to go into town tomorrow, but I don't intend to go. I really can't be bothered to go. I'm too tired for one, and I'm not in the mood to go faffing about with all my friends. Neither do I wish to be photographed, so it's probably for the best that I stay home tomorrow. I need to finish my business coursework too, but I can't see that happening. I want to catch up on what I missed out on Wednesday, but I can't.

I'm in a much better mood now although I just had an argument about curtains. I find it so annoying when my dad draws them when it's still daylight. He needs to accept that the day isn't over yet. Shutting our poxy cutains won't make the day end any quicker. I know that it's more of a psychological thing, but this is just plain insane and I won't stand for it. He can do what he likes with the curtains when I move out, but until then they'll just have to stay open. Maybe he thinks that he's shutting us out of the run-down area that we live in? Even if you can't see the chavs, you can still hear them. He needs to enter reality.

I wish I could just start talking to loads of random people because I get so bored. I want to experience new people.

What the fuck is wrong with Blogger? I've been on the computer for just over half an hour and the toolbar that allows you to sign in just wouldn't load. It kept coming up with a white strip of nothing. I've noticed that this has been happening a lot. BLOGGER YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARDED PIECE OF SHIT.

Anyway, I had a complete spasm today because a toilet at school almost overflowed everywhere. I have this weird fear of toilets overflowing and flooding everywhere. Not that it matters because I know my fear has happened because Jack sent me a picture of it from his phone onto mine. I'm not sure what he was doing in the girls toilets anyway. I don't think I'll even bother to ask him.

My dad keeps stomping around the house like a little kid and it's really starting to annoy me. He should fucking grow up. Slamming doors and throwing things about as loudly as you can won't get you any attention. I don't know if he's noticed, but no one actually gives a shit. Did it not occur to him that I might be feeling the same way? The only difference is that I choose to get over it.

I'm going to the British Heart Foundation for work experience. I can imagine how much fun I'm going to have there... NOT. There was no point in me going anywhere because I don't know what I want to do for a living yet. I hate the way that my school tries to force us into deciding already. I don't fucking know, so deal with it you bunch of retards.

As you might've noticed, I'm in a really bad mood right now. I was fine until I came home about an hour ago. I wish I'd just gone to maths after school like I'd planned. I decided to skip it though because I really couldn't be bothered with it. I was actually developing a headache because I hadn't drank enough.

I was just helping Kirsty with her French. That kind of cheered me up a little bit. I'm not sure why exactly, but it did. I have French tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm just so lonely sitting on my own. I don't know anyone who sits near me and it's really depressing. I always leave the room feeling like "I have no friends. I'm such a saddo." I know I have friends, just not that sit near me. It's still really irritating though.

Tomorrow is non school uniform day. That should be fun, as always.... I can picture all those tarts wearing their tightest jeans. Like anybody actually cares apart from all those retarded boys who'll shag anything that moves.

especially for w4y2n1rv4n4

If I had gone to school this morning, then right now I would be in business. I would probably be sitting there trying not to walk out of the classroom or swear at my teacher. I might even be considering killing myself by now. I mean, I would be 55 minutes into the lesson. That's a lot to put up with when you hate it as much as I do. Most lessons with Mrs. Kay I just sit there and stare at my computer screen, doing absolutely nothing. I've chosen to do the work at home because I really can't do it at school. I don't know whether there is a genuine learning problem, or whether it's just me being awkward. Can you get learning disorders for single subjects? I wouldn't know because I've never had one before.

Why does Strawberry Ribena taste so much better out of the carton than it does the bottle? Perhaps it's a psychological thing. I'm sure that it tastes exactly the same, but my mind seems to prefer the carton. I can't actually drink anything that's not in a bottle or anything that doesn't have a straw nowadays. It's a bit weird, I know, but there's just something about a cup that I don't like. If I knew what it was then I'd say, but I really have no idea why I hate them so much. They just feel unsafe and too exposed.

I shall leave you with that thought...

I should be at school today, but I decided to take the day off because I'm feeling really ill. I feel better than I did yesterday night, but to be honest, it's not that much of an improvement. Last time I had a temperature like that, I was about 7 years-old! Anyway, I laid on the sofa for 5 hours solid and then moved up into my bedroom at about 8:30pm. I was going to watch Heroes, but I felt too ill to stay up. I was tossing and turning all night because I couldn't decide whether I was hot or cold. Also, I was due to have my booster jabs for diphtheria, polio and tetanus today, but my parents have decided to postpone it until I'm better. I'm not sure it's such a good idea to inject me with three different diseases when I have flu. Well, not the actual disease, just weak/dead microbes. The thought of it makes me feel sick, but it needs to be done.

I'm going to go now because I can't concentrate with everybody talking.

rik waller the cat

Lewis rolled in shit! xD

I fucking hate Sundays. I'm not going into detail as to why I hate them because I've already done that in a previous post. If you want to find out then you'll just have to search for the fucker somewhere in my blog archives. I should probably do the business coursework that I failed to do in the lesson last week. What did Mrs. Kay expect? Like anyone is going to do any work when we have a cover teacher. I usually do all my work at home anyway because I can't stand the sound of her voice. It's distracting and I can't concentrate. Like I'm going to need a business GCSE when I'm working in McDonald's, cleaning all the McShit up. It's a fucking joke. Every time I go into McDonald's, it's full of thick-as-shit chavs who are chewing with their mouths open and chucking their crap all over the place. They're like wild animals. Still, I wouldn't expect anything less from good ol' Kings Lynn. The place is infested with them. They breed like fucking rabbits and then claim benefits from the government for their 12 kids and buy their shitty McKenzie clothing with it. I have nothing against the clothes themselves, just the fact that chavs think that they can claim it. For instance, if I went around wearing those clothes I would be frowned upon by members of the public and they'd think that I was another theiving slag. I understand that there is a small minority of people who do not fit into this catagory, but let's face it, most of them do. I can just picture them in my mind now, with their orange faces and gold hoop earrings. They're pathetic, the whole lot of them. They think that they can discriminate people for being different. I tell you what, if everyone on this planet were the same, then it'd be so fucking boring. Still, I suppose that it's not their fault that they can't communicate with people though. That's why they get into so many fights I guess. They can't just argue back with the person, they just punch them. Or maybe they're just desperate to prove their masculinity to their chavvy slapper girlfriends. I really wouldn't know. I don't think I could ever understand the mind of a chav.

I feel incredibly cool this morning because I know that I'm going round Kathryn's later to study. We're not nerdy as such, we just want to do well in our GCSE's. She's going to teach me how to work out electron configuration and how to balance equations that have positive and negative ions in them. These are just some of the many wonders you come across when you're doing the triple science course with Mr. Wright. In return, I'm going to teach her some basic maths skills. Maybe after she's mastered these, she'll be able to understand the more complex maths. I think I'll start with fractions mwa ha ha... or maybe angles!

I can't really eat or drink anything at the moment because I have a sore throat. The only reason that I eat so much is because I'm bored. Perhaps if I found myself something to do, then I wouldn't feel the need to eat constantly. That makes sense right? I know I'm not fat, but I'm certainly not skinny. I guess that I'm that sort of in between size. I just find it frustrating when I look around and realise that almost every girl is skinnier or prettier than me. I feel like a size 12 freak living in a size 8 world. I'd like to at least be size 10. I don't think that's much to ask.

I'm listening to 'Make It Mine' by Shamen right now. I think they're pretty cool although they're old. Another band that I'm getting into is Pendulum. Jack suggested a song to me called 'Granite' and it's fucking awesome! My mum and dad think that it sounds like druggie music, but I don't give a shit what they think. It's my life and I'll do what I like with it. If I want to be a tramp that lays in the grass completely pissabled drinking Special Brew then I will be! By the way, pissabled means that you're so pissed that you're disabled. I quite like that word. =D

I'm missing everyone at the moment. I want a really big hug. I can't work out whether it's because I'm freezing cold or just lonely. Maybe a bit of both. I never did get to hug Shakespeare at all. I long to, but there's no possible way that I could ever do that, epecially not now. Those girls have what I never could, and I'm jealous of them to be honest. I especially hate 'that' girl although this has nothing to do with the Shakespeare thing. She's done nothing to me at all, but I can't help but feel a strong sense of dislike for her. What makes her so special? It frustrates me. I know she got there first, but it's not fair. Nothing ever is. This made a lot of sense, but at least I know what I'm on about. Nah, I take that back. I don't know what I'm on about. Somebody tell me.

Um... hello penqe? I have no idea who you are, but you are following my blog. It seems that you have no profile or picture, so you could be a potential paedophile. Nevermind. Anyway, I never seem to hear much from the people who follow my blog. I can't believe that there others out there who actually sit and read the crap that I come out with! It's quite amusing really, but also nice to know that they're interested. They must be a little bit interested to follow my blog. =D

At the moment I'm talking to some people on MSN. I find it really irritating when I get one word replies or silly emoticons. The whole point is to actually communicate with the other person. Sending a smiley face defeats the object really. I use emoticons, but usually at the end of a sentence that can be replied to. That's the whole idea of it. Some people just FAIL at this and I can't stand it. I find that I just ignore the other person and go to talk to someone else who can send a decent reply. I just don't see the point otherwise.

It's taken me about 20 minutes to write all that! Perhaps it's because I've been multi-tasking. I often find that things don't get done if I do that! LOOOOL! This is a waste of time to be honest. I'm getting nowhere. I should come back later. Laters!

Today has been SO boring! I'll start off by running through my school day. First of all, I had French, which was rather boring. Not only was I lonely because George doesn't sit next to me anymore, we had to do a mock reading exam. Most of it was pretty easy, although I struggled on some of the longer passages. I just didn't understand what all the words meant and it was quite frustrating. Overall, I think I did pretty well. It's not as if it's that important anyway. I didn't like the end of the lesson though. Mr. Jackson let us pack up five minutes early because he thought that we deserved it and he didn't want us to go around with a headache for the rest of the day. However, of course I had nobody to talk to. I just sat there like a complete saddo looking round the classroom at French posters that I've looked at a thousand times before.

The next lesson that I had was science, with Mr. Wright! I thought that he'd spaz his sentences up some more today, but I was left disappointed. I didn't really understand any of the work we did because it was all based on maths (which I am not good at). It was electron configuration or something. I found it really difficult, so I just switched off and started to write the word 'science' onto the back of my book in bubble writing.

After that I had PE, which sucked as usual. To be honest, I didn't actually do anything. I spent the whole lesson talking to Kathryn about hot guys that we'd seen in films. She says that there's on in Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging. I haven't seen it, but I'm planning to go round her house and see it. Anyway, we did trampolining today and it was boring as usual. Oh, some people came into our class to film us for their media work. Livia was on the trampoline and she tried to do a front flip, but epically failed at it. She landed on her face. It was quite funny, but it looked painful to me.

The fourth lesson that I had was English. We're studying Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet at the moment. Once again, I didn't understand any of the work. I think that I have a reading problem. I just can't concentrate. It's hard enough for me to read a modern day book, let alone a Shakespearian one! I'm trying to read more actually. It's what Mr. Cobley would've wanted! :'( I'm reading Confessions of a Lapdancer at the moment.

Last lesson was food technology. We were in the computer room designing a fish card recipe thing. There is a £10 prize for it, and I'm hoping that I'll win. Mrs. Dimmock has given me a prize before actually. It was last year though when we did graphics. I can't believe me and Kathryn won with Percy Pineapple. That is shameful! Enough of Percy Pineapple though. The printer spazzed up and wouldn't actually print anything, so that was slightly annoying.

Yeah, so that was my day. I missed out break because it was boring, and I missed out lunch because it was boring.

I've hugged George about five times today LOL. He just gives such good hugs! They seem to be a new obsession of mine. I just love hugs. I don't like them all the time because I think they lose their meaning, but occasionally they're nice. The best hugs are the ones with meaning.

I absolutely love Professor Layton and the Curious Village! I wish I had more DS games, but I just can't afford them! Not with all the clothes and stuff that I buy as well. I'm going to have to start budgeting my money out more carefully because it seems that I just go out and spend it without really thinking. I usually end up buying a load of chicken and stupid stuff like policeman hats and blow up ants. I miss Anthony. He was a good ant. Perhaps if I hadn't have wrestled with him, he wouldn't have have exploded!

I've actually had a pretty good day today considering there's a lot on my mind. =D I haven't actually felt this good for a long time. I keep getting wake-up calls and they seem to be helping me get along in life. I big slap around the face is what I need (not literally). I remember my last drama lesson last year when Claire got carried away and hit my really hard across the face! It really added effect to our drama piece, but it bloody stang! Lol I love Claire because she's so unpredictable. It makes life a whole lot more interesting I think. If everything was written out on a plan then it'd get soooooooooooooooooo boring.

This blog is already too long, so I will stop writing now. I doubt that anybody has bothered to read it, but at least it has given me something to do for the last half an hour or so.

Well, today has been interesting. My maths test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I mean, I filled in all the answers. Some of them are probably wrong, but the fact that I could put an answer down means that at least I had a reasonable idea. I got an A on the last paper that we did, so I'm interested to see how I did in comparison. Also, it'll be interesting to see how well I did in all the stuff that Mr. Chilton hasn't taught us (which is everything). I want to try hard and get good grades, but it's so hard to concentrate in that class. I've kind of gone "Oh well. I can't beat them, so I'll join them." Now I think I'm probably one of the worst in the class. It really is a waste of time trying to do any of the work because Mr. Chilton can't explain himself. I think that he's pretty cool and he's easy to get on with, but he's just not with it anymore.

Mr. Malpass has finally marked our books. I've been waiting since late November, but I don't blame him, considering his dad recently died. Would you want to mark thirty kids science books when you have other things on your mind? Then again, maybe he needed some normality in his life after something like that. To be honest, I wouldn't know because I am not a psychiatrist. Sometimes I wonder whether I need one though. There's often a lot of things that I'd never say to someone because they'd think that I was crazy. For example, I hate being situated in the middle of a classroom. I feel so exposed to all of the other people and I begin to feel paranoid and I can't concentrate.

One more thing before I go. My mum has just been diagnosed with cancer. That's never good.

If I could, then I would,
I'll go wherever you will go,
Way up high, or down low,
I'll go wherever you will go.

If I could turn back time,
I'll go wherever you will go,
If I could make you mine,
I'll go wherever you will go.

- The Calling

I wish I could write down what I was thinking right now, but I can't.

pussy willows?

A couple of things that I missed off yesterday's post are that my dad is a complete RETARD! LMFAO!

"So, are donkeys stupid then?" - Me
"They must be if a horse raped them!" - Dad

"Hey look! It's Charles I!" - Dad
"What?" - Me
"Look at that bloke over there. *Points out of the window* It's Charles I!" - Dad
"Um... OK then. If you say so, dad." - Me

My headache lasted for just over 15 hours last night. I went to bed with a terrible headache, and then woke up with one this morning. It's not hurting so much now because I had a nice shower which seemed to sooth it a little. I suppose that's what I get for walking around Ely and Cambridge for about 6 hours constantly without drinking much. I only had a few sips of a watery Tango in KFC and a bottle of strawberry Ribena about an hour later. I hate the way that all these fast food places fill the cup almost entirely with ice. It only saves them a little bit of money because they don't have to fill it with so much Tango. Bloody stingy retards. I see that they couldn't even be bothered to clean the toilets either. There was shit everywhere. It was fucking disgusting, even worse than the one's in Kings Lynn's McDonald's. *Shudders* Kings Lynn is horrible because it's full of chavs. I would say that Cambridge has more variety and intelligent people because of all the universities there.

Another random thought for you all, I love the way that 'j'y' is pronounced in French! Oh, and 'arignnée'. They're just nice words. =D