I haven't updated my blog for a while now, so I thought that perhaps I should. The clocks went forward this morning and it always manages to confuse me. I've already lost an hour with my mum before she starts her chemo tomorrow, and I have to waste yet another hour when my nan and granddad come round later. Probably the whole family, thinking about it. I wish that they would all just fuck off. She's my mum and I'm not willing to share her. They didn't care before all this happened, so there's no point in ruining my time with her now just because they feel guilty. I've got no problems with my nan being here, but the rest of them drive me insane. They're all fucking imbeciles. The whole lot of them. Do you know how depressing it is to know that one day, the only family I'll have left is my two idiotic cousins? My future is already sounding bright. My mum is dying and I'll be left with a mum dad and a load of fucking inbred cockheads. I love my dad to pieces, but he's not my mum. I know he does everything that a mum would do in a normal family, but he just can't be her. I don't know what I'm going to do without my mum being here. Even if all she does is watch TV, say stupid things, burn my dinner, drop things on the floor and chew with her mouth open etc. I still love her. It makes me sad to think that she's going to put herself through all this pain just so that she can spend an extra 2 years with me. I know that time will be ruined. What part of "if you have a cold or any other illness, you can't visit mum" don't they understand. If they come in with a cold they'll fucking kill her because her immune system will be so weak. I can't get over how thick all my relatives are. I know this is going to sound incredibly vain, but me and my dad are the only intelligent ones.

Well, I was in a good mood this morning until I thought about all that. I'm so mixed up. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to have to go to school tomorrow and face everybody. I'm going to get all these sympathetic smiles, I'm going to be all emo and people are gonna want to know why. I might even go the other extreme and act like a complete twat as usual, just to take my mind off things. I don't want my friends to abandon me because I won't be the same Sarah anymore. How can I possibly get on an do my work, when I can't think? Life just takes the fucking piss out of me. I thought it was meant to be a balance of good and bad things, but I only seem to get all the crap. I just don't know anymore. I didn't ask to live. I don't even know if I want to. Yeah, I do have some good times, but they're not worth all the shit I go through. I'd never kill myself, because I don't have the guts to. I just couldn't do it, but sometimes I think it would be better off if I no longer existed. It'd just be like being asleep and never waking up.

I'm going to stop now. Only half of those things are true, I know. I can't help but feel that way though.