Because when I arive,
I, I bring the fire,
Make you come alive,
I can take you higher...

FUCK I love that song! "Let It Rock" by Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil Wayne. :D It's just catchy. I like songs that make me want to dance...

Bet your sister gets hot when you cut her hair,
Better send that turkey,
Gel that hair,
Baaaaaaarber nights!

;) I think that song is really cool. Indian looking guys + interpreted lyrics = AMAZING!

I hope I don't get told off tomorrrow. A couple of days ago, Mrs. Lacey said "you'd probably be able to go home early that day." The word 'probably' means 'yes' in most cases. It's 'maybe' that means 'no'. Tehe I'm such a bad girl.
Spank me LOL.

I doubt that I'll eat my dinner tonight because I had a portion of chips up town, and a 'battered sausage'. ;) Lol, so phallic. I really wanted a mango passionfruit juice from Starbucks, but I thought that I'd wait until Saturday so that I enjoy it more. I still think it's far too expensive. I mean, £2.75 for ice and random fruit juice.

EMMA YOUR DOG SUCKS! She broke your ball. :( Now we can't play with it and you're gonna have to buy a new one.

NOTE TO SELF: Tilly owes me 40p. ;)

Today I was in the low ability English class with Mrs. Branch and I got to interview the retard kids! They were writing job aplications and I was the employer. :D They had no idea what to say which surprised me quite a lot. All you have to do is make it sound lik you're the best person in the world. It's easy to be big-headed. I do quite well at it sometimes. I am quite arrogant when I want to be, and the thing that annoys people the most is that I just don't care.

I saw George again today!! xD He was still as sweet as ever. I said hello on the way into the Needhams block. Lol. NEED...HAMS! Emma, which one of your random grandmas gives you meat for Christmas? "I gave him have every year for Christmas until he told me that he was Jew!" Hahaha X-Files fail. X-files pissed me off last night because the DVD kept fucking up and skipping chapters. This annoyed me a lot so I just went to bed in a sulk.

I have nothing to wear tomorrow. :( I looked like Harry fucking Potter today in this mingin' shirt that I borrowed off my mum. I felt so silly in it and it was horrible. I felt like really stupid.

Eeek hot. WANT. Damn. Nevermind. :(

NIGHTS ON BROADWAY! You got to love that song. The Bee Gees are amazing. Sounds like they've been castrated to be honest.

With that, I live you.

I'm wearing that dress that I bought yesterday. I was surprised that a size 12 didn't fit me and the size 10 that I decided to buy in the end is still pretty baggy. I thought that I would investigate it and I appear to have lost almost half a stone. I have no idea how this has happened because I'm eating more than ever and I'm still doing no exercise. Perhaps it's because I haven't been eating as many snacks before I go to sleep. In fact, I haven't been eating any because I've kept myself occupied. Anymoo (lol), I'm not complaining about it. I'd like to be a little bit slimmer like the other girls. I have decided to take advantage of the fact that I am a girl and I've started to wear girly clothes again! Not that I ever wore them before haha!

Today was a boring day anyway. I didn't do anything productive to be honest. However, I did see George again first lesson. He came into the English office to say hello and whatever. He really is lovely. Cutest thing EVER.

By the way, hello 'Rain'. I noticed that you were following my blog and I decided to comment on yours. Welcome to the world of Sarah. It's a bit crazy.

I've been put off Chicken Bites so much. They make me feel sick just eating them. *shudders* I don't even want to talk about it. Not really.

For my last lesson today I was in Mrs. Wingham's class and she said "you can sit next to George. You'll love him." DAMN RIGHT I DID! He's the sweetest thing that I've ever seen in my life. Honestly, sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! I want him for Christmas! I spent all lesson sitting next to him and helping him colour in his work. I will NEVER get over this! I was like "WANT"!

Mrs. Lacey is one of the coolest teachers ever to be honest. She talks a lot and has a big mouth, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I love the way that she speaks her mind. All the English teachers are nice. I also got free APPLE JUICE at break! :D I love apple juice, but i've had to cut down on it because it was giving me really bad stomach convulsions. That's not good. Still, I was drinking about 4 or 5 glasses of it a day.

I bought a dress today and I might wear it tomorrow. I took £28 up town with me and I spent every single penny of it. The dress was £14, my black shorts were £10 and the tights were £2.50. I also bought some chips for £1.50. I'm pleased anyway. I like going out and buying things. It also gave me time to spend with Kathryn. :) It's a shame that I didn't have enough for some pink nail varnish.

If you can't do it for yourself, then please do it for me. Hopefully the person that this is directed at actually reads it. The reason my mum is dying is because she didn't go to the doctors. They'll be able to tell you whether it's just become habit or whether you have an illness. I'm sorry I turned my phone off, but I just couldn't deal with you. I have so much shit to deal with already and I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say? I just don't know. I can't make you do anything and you know that. As much as I want to make it all better, I can't. You've got to get help from someone who knows what they're talking about. Unfortunately, that's not me. :(

As much as I've tried to forget about you, I just can't. Today made me realise that I haven't forgotten at all.

I'm not going to write anymore. I can't.

I ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD MATHS TODAY. I can work out the formulas of directly proportional values and inversely proportional values. The constant of proportionality is stupid though because it is represented with a 'k'. Perhaps that's just my teacher's way of representing it, or maybe it's the official letter. I hate the way numbers are substituted by letters because it's retarded. Why can't they use pretty little shapes or something? Letters are for writing, numbers are for calculations. You can't just put them together and expect me to understand it. Okay... so that was pretty much my maths lesson. I wish that I sat next to somebody I knew because it's so awkward to make a conversation. We literally have nothing in common, and it's just doesn't work out. Once again, another lesson where I feel lonely.

The next lesson I had was citizenship. I have some homework that was set today, but it's only to learn the definitions of these stupid words. I'm not going to do it. She's an idiot to think that I would. I didn't learn anything because I wasn't listening. Why the fuck to we need to learn about any of this shit? Peace and conflict, the environment, animal rights etc. How can you learn an opinion? It doesn't make it fact, it just makes it somebody's views on the situation. This is why I think it's a load of bullshit. No matter what you do, there will always be war. People will always be cruel to animals. People are going to ruin the environment. There will always be conflict between religions. I'm always going to be an awkward student who disagrees with everything you say. Stop trying to make me write things that I don't believe in and FUCK OFF.

Next lesson: French. Mr. Jackson wasn't there today so we had a supply teacher. She was pretty nice to us today, which makes a change. I sat there on my own and drew a picture of a bunny rabbit in the back of my blue book. He'll probably moan at me if he ever sees it, especially since it's drawn over the top of some work that I did. It was only rough work though from the beginning of the school year, so it's not as if it really matters. Once again, I didn't have anybody to talk to, although it was nice that Becky was sitting next to me today. We barely spoke, but it was nice knowing that someone was there. I had to interview everybody in the class to find out what household chores they did, and then work out some sort of percentage and draw a bar chart. I was pissed off at this because it's a French lesson, not a maths lesson. I didn't bother with the percentage, mainly because I didn't understand it.

Then I had geography. Our whole class waited outside the room for Mr. Bray to let us in, and I stood alone. There was no one there I wanted to talk to to be honest, so I didn't. There are only about five people in that class that I actually like. Anyway, we went off into the business department so that we could use the computers. I was quite happy about it because it meant I didn't have to sit all squashed up on my usual table. However, when we got there I was disappointed that we were using the SAMlearning website. I spent ages typing in all my wrong answers, and then when it came to mark it, none of my answers came up, and some of them were in the wrong boxes. This happened to a lot of other people too. I was so angry that I sent them some feedback and told them that their website it a load of shite and that I'm pissed off I've been set about 20 assignments to do on it by Mr. Malpass. I will probably get told of for my comment, but everything I said was true. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't prepared to accept the consequences. I think that SAMlearning is FUCKING STUPID. All the writing is full of typos and I don't see why I should put up with this bullshit. How am I meant to draw on a point on a graph in a box of dotted fucking lines? It's so pointless and I hate it.

I had a crap science lesson last of all. Mr. Wright had been given a higher concentration of this chemical than he wanted, therefore all our experiments failed. Well, they reacted, just too quick for a human to time on a stopwatch. So what does he tell us to do? Repeat the experiment with a catalyst. Fucking idiot. This is going to react FASTER, making it harder of us to time it.

Dad has just come downstairs acting like a dickhead. I've already had a shitty day and there's no need for him to make it worse. I'll get changed out of my uniform when I'm ready. It's not urgent for him to wash it right NOW. He can fucking wait for it. I hate it. Every Friday when I come home he demands that I take it off immediately as soon as I walk through the door. He can't just come downstairs from his afternoon sleep and tell me what to do. If he wants it that bad then he can rip them off me. Another person who can FUCK OFF.

I don't think I even want to go out tomorrow, but I HAVE to because I have an appointment to get my hair cut. I know for a fact I'll leave disappointed because I won't have the guts to get it cut short. I'd like to dye it blonde too, but that's not going to happen. I need a change. I only want to look nice, but it seems like an impossibility. All my friends say that I do look nice, but I don't believe them because they are friends and they have to say that. That's just what they do. If I was anything special then I'd have a boyfriend. Maybe I'm fussy, or maybe I fuck things up. Maybe they find me fat and repulsive. The third option is most likely. It's so horrible to be surrounded by girls prettier and skinnier than me. In fact, better than me in every way. They have everything that I don't and I'm left with nothing that makes me an interesting person. It's so depressing and upsetting. At least I'm not throwing my dinner up though. I couldn't be dealing with that shit right now. Hint hint.

I'm going to go now because I'm in a really bad mood.

Hurrah! I got a D/C in my business coursework. Complete fail and I don't actually give a shit about it. Quite worrying really, but under the circumstances, I think that what she did was unacceptable. Found out my mum was dying, had a week off, understandably, then she gave me one day to improve about 11 pieces of my coursework. Fuck off. That wasn't going to happen and it didn't. See, now I scored 26/50, which is PATHETIC. I don't blame myself for it because I put so much effort into every piece of work. I spent hours of my life trying to do my best, but it wasn't good enough. That's just the way it is. To be honest I'd rather get an ungraded than a D because it makes me look thick. I know for a fact that I'm intelligent.

I had the most disgusting dinner ever today. It was this slimy tasteless chicken in breadcrumbs. I ate a little bit of it, but I couldn't stomach any more.

OMFG I MADE A CHOCOLATE CAKE TODAY! It came out perfect apart from it snapped in half and Lewis ruined it by shaking the container it was in and squashing it against the lid. Ah well, my mum and dad loved it still and Kathryn said it was orgasmic.

I can't actually be bothered to type anymore and there's not much to say. Hope you don't mind people LOL!

I'm in an insanely good mood right now! My school day hasn't been too bad and I finally have work experience all sorted out. I was told to go and see our careers advisor, Ms. Sheridan about my placement, but she's a waste of time so I went straight to Mrs. Lacey. Honestly, she really is useless at what she does. Before the Easter holiday she told me that the British Heart Foundation had cancelled my placement and that I was going with my English teacher, Mrs. Lacey. To be honest, that was the best news that I could hear because I didn't want to spend a whole week with a load of miserable old ladies who reek of piss. I'm not complaining. Everything has worked out so well. I won't have to 'work' until 5pm like most other people. I'll be going home at 3pm or earlier, depending on the last class of the day. We get to wear 'smart casual' as well. ;) Ooooh! (says the audience...although there isn't one) LOL I get to help retarded years 7, 8 and 9 do their work! xD I'll shut up about that now.

In maths today I felt like a right idiot when Mrs. Grant said "is anyone not happy with this answer?" and I was the only one who put my hand up. Then I said "I'm not because I don't understand any of it." Basically it looked like a load of random numbers and letters on the board to me and I couldn't make any sense out of it. I really am struggling in maths and she's not doing her after school sessions this term because she's donating all her time to the year 11's, who are going to be doing their exams soon. I have a few revision books at home, but I really can't teach it to myself. I hate the new seating plan she's done too. I sit next to Joe D. I like him and he's pretty funny, but I just don't know what the hell to say to him because I don't know him. It feels so awkward. I hate the way that we can't talk to anybody else around us too. That rule won't last long and I think it's stupid. Trust me, it didn't work in her old class. I don't get proportions anyway.

After school my dearest chum, Tilly took me up town. I really enjoyed myself. I bought a bottle of water which was 43p, a portion of chips which was £1.50 and some body lotion for £4.39. I was hoping to see some new clothes that I liked, but I didn't. I have no idea what looks nice on me anyway. I need people to tell me.

OOOOOOOH earlier the rabbit was so cute when he was eating his food. ^__^ EEEK! I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him. He's so fluffy and lovely. I didn't want him to get my top dirty though, so I didn't lol.

Tell me about your days. :)

I'm dressed like a girl today! I'm wearing a flowery boob tube top and some denim three quarter lengths. (Note to self: get a strapless bra) Lol. It's not that bad actually, it's just that the straps look a bit weird. I need to seriously get a tan or something because I look like I have leukemia or something. Obviously no offence to people who have it. I'm not going to sit here and make cancer jokes when my mum is dying of it. That's just plain mean.

Today has been pretty boring. Just a normal school day really. However, I am impressed that I'm not in a foul mood because it's Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays. They're the worst day of the week for me because I have PE and cooking. Today we played 'tennis', but out teacher wasn't here so me and Kathryn pissed about and did nothing. We were actually playing a very mean game, but we won't go into it right now. Lol.

Lol. I met a Jewish boy today. Kathryn knows what I mean. :D It's a little private joke that we have. I love Italy. She's my bitch forever. I promise that you'll get your candlelit three course dinner one day. Just you and me. It'll be our first proper date. Hahahaha! Why am I directly talking to you? You don't ever read this! Well, tits to you! You know you like 'em. ;) I wanted to spank you so much today. How dare you bend your ass in front of me like that? :D I tried so hard not to do it, but it was there right in front of me. You know what I get like. ;) Argh too many smileys!

By the way, hello NANAKAh Ferreira?

I should go before I break something. Too hyper. Emma did it. Blame her. ;)
Cheerio my lovers!

I'm going to make the most of my good mood and I'm going to type up a blog post. That sounds like a plan to me. I'm watching X-Files at the moment. I've just started season 8. I waited over a month to buy it. The reason for this is because it was (don't have a pound symbol on here because my Netbook is a spack, going to convert roughly into dollars because I'm cool like that) $70. No way was I going to spend that much on a box set worth $40 soI waited until the price came down. I managed to buy season 9 for $7.50 second hand. I was so pleased! I haven't watched it yet though because I am still on season 8. I hate watching things in the wrong order because it fucks the storyline up.

Anyway, I'm also talking to Adam on MSN. He added me last night, so that cheered me up a little bit because I wanted to make some new friends. I'm really hoping Jack comes back online, although I don't think he will. I would text him, but his sister managed to break his phone. I would also like Sir Stargazer, Miles, George and Kathryn to come online. The chances of this happening are pretty low, so I'l just make do with what I've got.

I'm far too hot right now so I've taken my quilt and hoody off. I really do hate this purple Reebok hoody. Me and my mum bought it 4 years ago when we were in the sports shop. The one that was 'closing down' for a year. I can't believe some people actually fell for that. "We're closing down! Our prices have been reduced!" It's amazing what people will buy when they think that they're saving money. I hate sports shops because they're usually full of chavs and that sucks. There are lots of chavs hanging about in Ely, especially where I live. I really do hate living in the 'rough' end of town because it's full of thick-as-shit pikeys. I chose not to associate myself with those sorts of people from a very young age, and then I became a loner. I'm not sure whether that was a good or bad thing. I don't suppose it really matters because I have a social life now. Aww damn I'm cold now. I'm going to put my horrible hoody back on. I only ever wear it in bed and around the house when I'm lazing about.

I'm just pleased that I don't have tummy ache anymore. I refuse to take painkillers unless the pain is really bad. I prefer to let my body deal with it naturally. I hate swallowing any sort of pills. I find it difficult. I would hate to have to take them in the future. This is most likely because I don't look after myself now and I'm so unhealthy.

I've just realised that Agent Mulder isn't in any of the episodes so far. It's been so long since I last watched it that I have no idea where he is. There's some other bloke that Agent Scully is working with now. I don't think I like him. I WANT MULDER BACK YOU DONKEY VIOLATING DICKHEAD. That was unecessary, but I've said it now.

*Sigh* I wish somebody would text me. It's been really lonely since Jack used his phone as a dildo and broke it. He was the only person who bothered to text me really. I still have about 250 texts to use up this month before the money starts being taken out of my calling credit. I'll never use them all up by then, so it means that they've been wasted.

I've got to clean my room. I can't live in this mess because it's ridiculous. I used to have an immaculate room, but now I just don't care about it. There are clothes all over the floor and you should see the state of my desk. I want to clean it, but I can't be bothered. I don't see the point because I can't make something crappy look nice, no matter how hard I try. I wanted some shelves put in my room, but dad hasn't done it yet. I asked him to do it 2 years ago, and he bought the shelves and the varnish, but it just didn't happen. I'd also like to take down the 15 My Chemical Romance posters that I have in here because I don't like them anymore. I just grew out of them really, which is kind of sad in a way, but they did go all 'emo' and shit so I wasn't interested. I have a poster of Kurt Cobain which I no longer want, and one of the Foo Fighters, one of Funeral For a Friend, two of Biffy Clyro, one of Slash, one of Velvet Revolver, two of James Hetfield and one of Metallica. I would take them down, but then my room would look so empty and bare.

It was quite awkward watching American Pie 2 on the computer earlier when my parents were behind me. Stifler was running around with this giant blue dildo and a couple of half naked lesbians were making out. They probably wondered what the hell was going on, but nevermind. I have urges to watch Celebrity Juice, but I can't. I love Keith Lemon! I know that's not his real name, but he's an awesome character. I'm not to keen on the other bloke he played though. I think his name was Avid Merrion or something like that. I'll have to find out his real name. It's a bit like Sasha Baron Cohen playing Ali G and Borat. He also played this gay guy hairdresser I think. I shall have to look it up because that's some of his ealier stuff.

I'm gonna stop now because I've already written too much. I LOVE Y'ALL RETARDS (in American accent) Au revoir.

I'm feeling fed up again. Every dinner time we have the same argument and it's so fucking boring. "Why can't you learn to eat a sandwich like a normal child?" Well, for starters I am not a normal child, am I? I wish I was, but I'm not. I long to be a normal person, but it's not going to happen. If I had it any other way then I would be. I am who I am. It's a shame that I don't know who that is. I don't like sandwiches because I was brought up eating crap, like I've said so many times before. That's no fault of my own and I'm not going to let him tell me any different. None of this is worth the hassle because some foods just make me feel sick. I know for a fact that when my mum isn't here this is going to get a lot worse and he'll regret it because one day he'll have no one. That's the sad truth of it all because I don't stand for any shit.

Hmmm... well I don't really have anything to write and it's probably my lunch soon, so a silly time to start writing, but whatever. I can do what I like, even if it is awkward and annoying. I seem to have developed a tummy ache in the last hour. I've only been up for an hour so it's has to be since then. This means that I probably will not enjoy the roast dinner that I have for lunch. Oh well, shit happens. We either have to deal with it and accept that something has happened, adapt around it and just live with it, or change things to make it better. In some cases you can't make it better, and that's the thing that sucks the most. Sometimes the damage is already done and it's irriversible.

I was up late last night watching my Michael Jackson DVD again, and some crap on TV with Alan Carr on it. I wasn't actually watching the second thing, I had it on more for the company. I was talking to some people on MSN and that was about it. I was gonna play my DS, but I gave up on this mission that I'm stuck on.

Well, this was a pointless post.

boots with the fur

I'm listening to 'Propane Nightmares' by Pendulum as I type this. I'm just about to go on Bebo though so that I can check if I have any new comments, which I probably won't. I was right, I have no new comments so that was all a big waste of time. Oh great, my computer just jammed on a giant picture of Lewis. That's always great. I had a good day, but I can't be bothered to go into detail because it won't get read.

It's all over and I've had my fucking dinner!

Oh well, no dinner for me. Dad's having a tantrum like an infant child and is refusing to cook me anything. He's going to do mum some dinner, but not me. It's not my fault that I don't eat like a normal kid. Perhaps if I wasn't brought up eating shite since the age of 3 then I might like more foods. How is that my fault at all? What was I supposed to say. "Mother, father, we need to discuss this food situation. It has come to my attention that you are feeding me nothing but chips and fish fingers. I hardly think that's a suitable diet for a child of 3 years-old. Perhaps you should stop buying Chinese takeaways as well, and feed me something decent for once. Do you not realise that I'm in the critical stages of development?" Fucking dickhead. Now he's asking me whether I want cereal or rice crispies, knowing that I don't like either. Oh, good, that's it. Give me a tenner and tell me to go out and get my own dinner. I'll just accept that I'm not going to get anything tonight. Now my mum's having a go at him for being an arse. Stressing her out over nothing is only going to kill her quicker.

Last night I watched this film called 'The Girl Next Door' and I expected it to be filthy, but it wasn't. This guy falls in love with the girl next door and then he finds out she's a porn star and is devastated and traumatised. He spends his whole time trying to get her to realise the person that she truly is. It's actually a really nice film. In some shots, the actor looked so much like Leonardo DiCaprio. His name is Emile Hirsch if you wanna look him up [Emma]. He looks different in some of the pictures, but you'll see what I mean.

I'm quite bored right now because no one is online. Only Miles is online so I'm talking to him and writing this. Afterwards I'm going to write my Romeo and Juliet essay, I swear. I can't keep putting it off or else it will never get done. I've been putting it off for over two weeks already and now it's time to do it. I actually plan on doing some science revision later as well. If I don't, then I will probably fail the exam when we go back to school. I fucking hate school. What's the point of giving us a holiday if we've got a shit load of work to do? There is no point.

Well, nobody seems to read my blog anymore, but nevermind. At least it gives me something to do when I'm bored and I can talk about things to get them out of my stystem.



I've been to Peterborough today with my dad. It was a long and tiring day, but I still had a good time. It's nice to get out of the house for once. We went into almost all the shops there (which is a lot). I didn't buy any clothes, so I'm a bit dissapointed about that. I felt awkward going in all the clothes shops on my own. That's just something I'll have to get used to because my mum sure as hell can't take me anymore and none of my friends are particularly interested in clothes shopping for me. I just don't know what clothes look nice on me and I have no idea what half of the stuff is either. Everybody wants to look nice and I don't. I'd like to, but it seems impossible right now. I need my hair cut too, but I don't want to go into the hairdressers on my own. It's so lonely and boring. I know for a fact I'll go in there and ask for a trim again even though I want my hair cut short. There are lots of things that I'd like to do, but I can't. I go shopping alone quite a lot now and it makes me feel sad. I usually get followed around like I'm some sort of shoplifter and I feel uncomfortable. I've never stolen anything in my life and I never will do because it's wrong and that's not me. I don't like being treated like a dishonest person because I'm really not that at all. I hate liars.



I think I'm getting a bit fat again. I'm just over average for my height, so not overweight as such. It's so depressing that I can't find any clothes that fit me comfortably. I'd love to be a size 8-10, but I'm a 12 and it sucks. I know that this is a 'normal' size to be, but I'm not happy with it. The next problem I've come across is that I would never 'diet' or exercise. This means that I can't possibly lose weight. I'd love not to feel tired all the time and I'd love to be healthy, but I don't know how to change what I eat. This whole psychological food problem is fucking pathetic, but I need to start eating properly because it's making me ill. If I'm this unfit now, then I can only imagine how bad it's going to get in the future. I'm in the critical stages of development and I've already fucked it up.



Anyway, I bought that GTA game for my Nintendo DS. The weird China Town one about all the Triad gangster blokes. It's funny because they all have names like 'Ling' and 'Huang'. I'm pretty good at driving the car, but I spent about $4000 on cocaine so now I have no money to buy the weed that I need for the next mission. It was something to do with Rastafarians. I keep getting emails from the AmmuNation company on his phone and I'm like "fuck off you wankers" because it's so goddamn annoying. I also bought 5 DVDs and season 8 of X-Files which I'VE WAITED FUCKING MONTHS TO GET.

With that, I leave you.

Right, I've decided that I'm going to right loads and loads so that I don't have to see any of my retarded drawings when I log onto my page. That sounds like a good plan to me because every time I'm like "ARGH! It's James Hetfield!" Then when I scroll down a little bit more I'm like "ARGH! It's a cat... and it's stoned!" I don't like cats very much. All they ever do is strut about like they own the place and shit in everyone elses gardens. If the come into my garden then I chase them away, or throw potatoes at them! Dad has given me permission to go 'cat slapping', which is like 'happy slapping', only... not. You never get a chance to hit the cat though because they run away. Therefore, nobody gets hurt, apart from my feelings. :( Lol, all of that sounded like a mentally retarded person wrote it!

I'm home alone again right now because mum and dad are at the hospital. Mum's getting her second lot of chemo pumped into her today, which sucks because she'll be like a zombie when she gets home. The chemotherapy treatment lasts 3-4 days at a time and she has this pump attached to her waist. It's horrible. She calls it her 'chemo condom' because that's what the little balloon filled with all the drugs looks like. I hate mum's line (the tube that's permanently in her arm). I call it her 'spaz tube' because that makes it sound more like a joke and less serious. I prefer things that way. Anyway, the point is, I have to cook my own lunch and probably dinner... AGAIN! I fail so badly at cooking, even though I try hard. The main problem is that I won't eat anything.

I had a horrible nightmare this morning... or a morningmare, whatever. I was in Tesco with my dad and we were fighting and arguing over something that I wanted to buy. Everybody in the shop turned round and stared at us, then I said "I don't give a fucking shit what you think!" and I stomped off down the isle, and then I saw my mum working behind a till. She screamed and all this liquid went everywhere. She was all like "my chemo pump has exploded" and I ran up to her crying and shouting, but my dad wouldn't let me see her. It was fucking horrible. I know it doesn't seem like much to any of you, but it was a scary place to be. I woke up and I was terrified.

When I came downstairs this morning, there was a note left for me on the table. This is exactly what it said:

"Sarah, If mum's gazebo & chairs come, please let man in to deliver them.
Thanks.
Love dad.
xxx

PS - They can be left in hallway/living room/ kitchen/on bed/on settee or wherever.

My dad's handwriting is terrible and it's all written in block capitals. What is it was dad's and block capitals? I just don't get it. And anyway, what the hell? GAZEBO? Why the hell do we need a gazebo? Ely doesn't get any sunshine. Also, why leave me all the options where I can leave the gazebo and then say "wherever"? Bloody retard lol! :)

Last night I was trying to research about polarized 3D glasses, but it's so complicated! All I learnt was that it restricts the amount of light that goes into your eye and then something about right angles and two images. It was all fucking mathematics. I saw random pieces of algebra and I got scared. I wish I was good at maths and science because I'd quite be into all that nerdy stuff. I love nerds to be honest. I think they're awesome. I love the way that they know everything about computers and anything electrical. I think it's really sweet, minus the chronic acne. That's only your stereotypical nerd though. :)

I wrote 682 words for my Romeo and Juliet essay yesterday! I'm so pleased with myself because that's a lot for me. I'm aiming to write about 2000-ish in total because then I should get an good grade. I'm fine as long as it's finished before I go back to school. I don't want to get raped by Mrs. Lacey! I have to do work experience with her now, and I actually think that it will be fun. How could it not be fun when I'm with Kathryn and Tilly? At least I'm not all on my own. I still think it's a load of bullshit though. Come on, 'work experience' at school? It's a waste of time in my opinion.

I think I shall leave you with that. I can't actually think of anything else to say! Cheerio! xxxx

Holy shite I have to write that Romeo and Juliet essay before I go back to school. I've forgotten everything about it so I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to write. Last time we did an essay I only got a B and the teacher gave it back to me so that I could get an A. I did it, but it was still rather inconvenient and annoying. I added about 1000 more words to it in a couple of days. Basically it was just me bullshitting about things I have no idea about, and it got me 6 extra marks!

random pieces of my art!

I'm so incredibly bored right now. I have nothing to do and no one interesting to talk to on MSN. There's nothing on TV that I want to watch and I have no new DVDs to put on. I've eaten everything in sight and I've just had a shower and hair wash out of boredom. I'm home alone because my mum and dad have gone round my nan's house. I refused to go because I hate it there, surrounded by my spastic family members chewing with their mouths open. I have that Romeo and Juliet essay to write, but I really can't be fucking asked to do it. I've forgotten everything and I wasn't even there for the last few English lessons about it. I was too busy acting out a gay guy called Cecil. I hope I got at least an A for that because the last two times I got a B. For me to get anything lower than an A, I have failed. This is according to my report and target grades. If I get a B or at least a B+ then I get a minus on my end-of-term report. I think it's a load of bullshit to be honest.

Jack just woke me up with a stupid Happy Easter text. I was like "you fucking faggot!" Does he not know that it's dangerous to wake a woman up on a Sunday morning? I'm over it now, but it was still pretty annoying. I slept really well, but I kept having nightmares. If I told you what they were then you'd laugh at me, but when I woke up I was really confused. They were horrible in my mind and at the time. Well, anyway I feel like crying now because I'm so tired. You know when you just get so tired you breakdown? I feel really ill as well. This song make me feel worse. I'm gonna go now.

I'm really fucking wound up at the moment. I feel so angry about everything. I just spent fucking ages transferring music onto my phone and when I turned my phone on, hardly any of the music showed up. Motherfucking pile of shite. I want a new phone because this one is going to end up getting smashed into a wall or something. I could punch somebody's face in right now. I was so pissed off that the SD card had fucked up, but this is a step too far. I don't deserve any of this shit. It always happens to me. GO FUCK YOURSELVES YOU PEOPLE WITH PERFECT LIVES. I will not 'chill out'. It's past that stage now.

I've been out for over 26 hours. I'm sleep deprived and mentally hilarious. I slept round Jazz's house last night and it was pretty crazy. Jazz and Lily were there (obviously) because they live there, Caarissa was there and so was Emma. I can't actually remember anything that we did, but I know it was fun. I stole the sofa and everyone else had to sleep on the floor. I was actually pretty uncomfortable still, but I was so tired that I just passed out. I was woken up once at about 9:30am by some sort of phone and then again by the Jazz's stupid dog, Daisy. There was some post and then the dog was like "BARK!" Eventually we got up at about 10:30am, which wasn't too bad. That was acually 6 hours sleep! It still messed up all my sleeping pattern though. That's why I can't function very well right now. What I'd really like is some fucking dinner, but my parents can't be bothered to cook it for me. I am also very disturbed over me and Emma on the laptop last night. What inspired us to even do that?

Feeling hot hot hot! Well, not really. I just have the song stuck in my head. It always reminds me of Strictly Come Dancing when Mark Ramprakash and Karen Hardy got all tangled up in microphone wires. They had to start their dance all over again. I really hate Strictly Come Dancing, but my parents watch it. Bruce Forsyth is so not funny anymore, if he ever was funny at all. I find him painful and embarrassing to watch. I know that the public love him, but he's so past it. Why can't they find a new person to host the show? "Nice to see you, to see you nice!" Come on, what the hell is that? I'm so fed up of hearing him say it. I think the idea behind the show is quite good, but it gets boring after a while and the audience needs something fresh. Bruce Forsyth is anything but fresh. I think that's enough about Strictly Come Dancing now.

Both of my parents are out at the moment, so that's nice. Dad was like "I'll be back later, I'm just taking your mum for a walk." You totally didn't make her sound like a dog. It was pretty funny actually, but I didn't laugh because I was pissed off with him. The only reason I've been brought into this world is so that he can pointlessly argue with me. The jokes are a bit old now and he needs to find some new material. Either that or he shuts the hell up because I'm not interested. Calling me a 'spoon' is one of the most original insults ever. Is it supposed to be funny? I just don't know anymore. I could've easily turned round and said "Fuck off you bell end." I didn't though.

I think I'm going to get some Chicken Bites out of the fridge. I really want some right now. They probably have no chicken in whatsoever, but they're so addictive. Most of the foods I like are bad for me. I want to try new things and eat healthily, but I can't. It's more of a psychological problem because I know that trying these new foods isn't going to hurt me. They just make me feel so sick. I'd rather not cause myself the trouble of feeling ill.

Oh dear, the button of my shirt just popped open. That's never good.

I'm not sure how well this is going to work out because I am using the Netbook and it spazzes up sometimes. I often lose connection and I don't want to lose my blog post too! Sometimes it fails at saving and that really pisses me off, but I'm far too tired to sit up in a chair and go on the main computer. The reason that I'm so tired is because I have been out in Cambridge for about 7 hours. I went with Emma, Jack, Jazz and Caarissa. It was a really great day, even if we did get up really early. I wasted all of my money on food. I bought two Starbucks which cost 5 pounds 50p. The only reason that I've written it like that is because the pound sign on here is retarded and comes up with this instead: '#' All of the keys are in the wrong places and it sucks. It must be some sort of design fault. Anyway, I also had a KFC, a load of sweets, a drink and a Chinese on the way home. I went to see Monsters Vs. Aliens in 3D and it was pretty cool. Made my eyes go funny though and it made me feel kind of dizzy. Nevermind. I didn't actually need to pee at all throughout the film! Oh, we almost got kicked out of Claire's Accessories for being too loud and dropping things on the floor. OMG! That reminds me, there was this creepy guy who came up to us when we were messing about in the park and he was like "Do you drink?" I'm an alcoholic. Don't end up like me. Like my tattoo? Would you ever get one? If I catch you drinking I'll take it away from you. Please don't throw your life away like me. Do well in your O-Levels and SE's (don't know what the hell SE's are). I've been watching you and I like seeing you having fun." He didn't cause us any harm, and he was pretty nice to be honest, still really creepy though. He was obviously pissed and from a scale of one to fucked, he was fucked. I feel sorry for the guy. Anyway, we all appreciated the motivational life talk... not. Oh, and yeah! Me and Jack were play fighting over the 3D glasses and I completely flipped him on the floor! It was so fucking cool! He just went straight over and I barely touched him. Lol, I kept making Miles jokes. Jack totally loves Miles. Shhh. :) So, yeah, good day. Lack of paragraphs though. Nevermind.

Chaos Dreaming I got your message! Woooo! You are now added into my contacts. :)

I wish I could dance, but as it happens, I can't. I completely suck at it. I'm a failure. I'm so unfit and I can't move about for too long, so this ruins any chance of dancing that I have. I WANT TO LEARN THE THRILLER DANCE! I have no rhythm or style and my ambitions in life are RUINED! RUINED I TELL YE! Why am I cursed? What have I done that's so bad in my life? I don't deserve to have this dancing skill taken away from me! Take away my skill to fall over when people mention glitter! Goodbye 'Phil Collins and the Pixies' and hello DANCING! *tehe* JEALOUSY is all I feel for these people who can dance well. They bite their thumbs at me, sir! Oh, it's so unfair. I have been blessed with an ability to find the word 'ham' funny over and over again. This is not a talent, this is one step closer to being classified as MENTALLY RETARDED. You know what? It's not my fault that I find it funny. I am influenced by all the shops that throw their ham at me in the cold meats section. I'm liked "KEEP YOUR HAM AWAY FROM ME YOU BAGGAGE!"

I'm still in quite a bad mood. I watched 'Knocked Up' on DVD and it was a really good film. Loved it.

I've never hated someone more in my life. What's all this "iloveyou" business. Why the hell would she say that to her? She constantly bitches about her behind her back and then pretends to be all friendly. I dunno, maybe it's just to please me. I can tell you now, I'm anything but pleased. I'm fed up of all these lies. Right now I could just slap her. I'm not talking about who you think I am and I couldn't tell you anyway. I hate to be so childish, but it's her or me. I'm not sharing.

Okay, I've cooled down now.

I've been up for a pathetic 50 minutes this morning and I'm already attempting to multi-task. this is a bit of a silly idea really because I can't even do one thing properly. I'm still half asleep and will be for another half and hour, then I should be fine. It takes me longer and longer each day to wake up properly, which a little bit worrying. I think it's far worse on school days though because I know I have to spend 6 hours at school doing things that I hate, such as cooking. There was a little bit of an 'incident' in cooking last week actually. Basically I was washing everyone elses stuff up again, as usual and then these two fucktards in my class were like "Miss! Sarah's being bullied!" Come on. What the fuck? It's not like their forcing me to do anything I don't want to do. I just go ahead and get on with it because I know they won't. Unlike them, I have a life and want to get out to lunch on time. To be honest I'm a mug for doing it in the first place and they're lazy shits for not helping. There's no bullying involved and they're imbeciles for even saying it. They'd have a hard time bullying me because I bite back... harder than they even could. the reason for this is because I am intelligent and they are not. Simple.

I'm trying to decide what I want to watch at the cinema on Thursday. I probably won't go if we leave Ely any later than 10am because I'll just be pissed off. I hate having to wait around for other people who can't put any effort into getting up. If they're so tired in the mornings then they should go to bed earlier. It wouldn't hurt to practice a normal sleep cycle for one night. It was pretty hard to look for cinema listing last night at 11pm because I had a complete breakdown. I have no idea what happened, but after a while I just fell asleep. Lewis didn't bother to text me back. It's not as if it was a late conversation because we've gone right into 3am before. Oh well. I'll just accept the fact that he doesn't care about me anymore, if he ever did. If he does care then he has a strange way of showing it. All we ever talk about is boobs and Kathryn. I don't want to discuss Kathryn because I spend most fo my time with her. I don't need to. I also have my own boobs so I don't need to talk about those either. Therefore, we have nothing to talk about. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I still don't think that he puts much effort into our friendship, which is a shame because I think he's an awesome person. I mean, it's great that him and Kathryn are getting along now, but once again, I don't get a say in anything. Ah well, I'll let him fuck of with Louis and all his other friends.

I'm in a bad mood now. People are so annoying. It's not just him, a lot of people are. They're constantly getting in my way. They almost always let me down so what's the point? I'm only interested in people who make an effort.

I've back from Cambridge for about 45 minutes now and I'm fucking knackered. My feet are in so much pain because I was walking constanly for about 6 hours solid. It's taken me about 4 minutes to write those two sentences because I'm also on Bebo, talking to Kathryn, and faffing about swapping songs on Windows Media Player. I'm also slow because I'm so tired. I'm disappointed that I didn't buy any clothes at all. It's hard shopping for that stuff with my dad because he hates it. I bought Knocked Up on DVD, some Michael McIntyre comedy DVD and a Michael Jackson in Bucharest DVD. Oh, and some sunglasses from Claire's Accessories. I had a KFC which was nice.

I've woken up in yet another good mood today. Do you know what day it is? SUNDAY! It's a lovely sunny day outside, everybody is feeling happy and we don't have American Idol on our TV! The rabbit is running around in the garden for the first after winter, so even he's feeling happy. I do love Gerard, but he's not Thumper or Plonker (who both died last year). I don't blame him really for being the way that he is. I mean, the last family who 'looked after' him didn't do a very good job of it. They never used to feed him regularly, he didn't get cleaned out properly, he didn't get a chance to run around much and I know for a fact that the kids used to throw him about a bit. I can understand why he'd feel timid around any other humans. It's a bit annoying really, but he is a lovely rabbit. When he gets the chance to come out of his hutch, he runs around like there's no tomorrow. In the summer we let him out from about 5am to about 7pm. He gets plenty of time outside. The reason that he's such a grumpy little shit in the winter is because we don't let him out. No one wants to sit outside in the cold with him, and his fur gets all wet and matted.

Anyway, enough about the rabbit. This morning I actually look like a girl. I'm wearing some dark blue denim jeans and a purple checkered shirt. I bought it yesterday when I went up town with Kathryn. I couldn't resist because it was only £10. The thing that annoys me most is the fact that it's so baggy at the bottom. I simply couldn't buy it in a size 10 because my boobs just don't fit in it. This is the problem that I have with all the shirts that I wear. They have to be a size too big because I have massive boobs. Well, not massive as such, just bigger than average.

I had a great day yesterday after the morning tantrum. I bought this purple checkered shirt, two hair bows, a black handbag, some kinky leopard print knickers, some Herbal Essences shampoo, some Simple moisturiser and some foundation which was fucking £6.69. I did actually spend a lot yesterday, but strangely, I feel a lot better for it. Lol. "69" I also took loads and loads of pictures all around Ely, and some of them are quite good to be honest. It's hard trying to make Ely look better than what it is because it's really not that great. The only thing I did realise when walking round is that I actually live in quite an old city. Everything looks kind of medieval... Anyway, I still hate the idea of Ely being classified as a city. The only reason for that is because we have a massive cathedral. It's not even that great. (This is my cue to start going on about religion, but I will spare you the pain and boredom today because I'm nice like that.)

I was watching some TV program last night that was about the 100 greatest scary moment. I can't believe that The Shining came before The Exorcist. What's that all about? Basically it's some nutty bloke who says "Heeeeeeeeeres Johnny!" That's not scary at all. I think that posessed children are far more scary and this annoyed me. I suppose this is just a case of personal opinion. Like I said, opinions count for nothing.

A couple of days ago my dad bought some Wharfedale headphones and they're so awesome! They're the big sort, but I prefer those. They're also wireless. I've tested it out and I can go into the garden and upstairs with them on! I thought this was pretty cool myself. I've never understood how things like that work. I just don't understand about sounds waves, radio waves and signals etc.

I'm feeling really wound up right now and I'm not sure if I even want to go out. My dad just pisses me off so much. He should stop drinking for one because he's a fucking dickhead and he should stop gambling. I'm fed up of his little routine where he goes in his greenhouse to read computer magazines and then comes in every 20 minutes or so to drink his whiskey and coke. If he's going to do that for the rest of my life I will just abandon him. I'm fed up with it. If he ever reads this then no doubt it will cause an argument. I hope so. That way I can tell him how much of a fucking twat he is with reason to.

I've woken up in quite a good mood this morning. That's excluding my 6am tantrum. I came downstairs for a pee and dad was like "do you wanna go to Cambridge today?" and I was like "fuck off you imbecile. how can I make a decision this early in the morning?" I'm not good in the mornings. I can't remember half of the things I say or do. I'm not into all this spontaneous stuff either. I like things to be planned and organised. I might be going up town with Kathryn later anyway. After she's finished her tae-kwon-do lesson that is. I look terrible today. :( I'm wearing a light pink top that says "life is hard" and it has a sad looking teddy bear on it and some grey skinny jeans. My hair is all tangly and erect because I tried to curl it and I have a horrible yellow eye shadow on. Lol. "erect" Why did I choose that word? Make is cound like a have a cock on my head. Maybe I do... ;-) Well, this was pointless.

What's the point of my existence? I never do anything useful and I never help anyone. I just can't see what life actually means. If we're all here just to survive as a species then I'd rather not be here at all. Is that the best answer anyone's got? I refuse to believe that we're alive to enjoy ourselves and have the best life possible because that just can't be true. It wouldn't make any sense. I rarely enjoy myself and I have a fucking boring life. All the shit seems to happen to me and I'm fed up with it. Why can't something go right for once? What have I done that's so bad? I'm at the point now where I can say that I hate religion. God was only ever something that was created to explain all the unexplainable. Out of all the religions, Christianity has to be my least favourite. It's so fucked up. So what? If you're not a dedicated Christian then you're a bad person and you won't get accepted into heaven? Bullshit. The only reason you fucking Christians believe in God is because you're frightened of death. No one wants to go to hell, right? There are lots of good people out there who aren't Christians and it makes me so fucking angry when all these religious people try to tell me that I'm wrong or I'm a bad person because I don't believe in God. You believe in what you want to, I'm not stopping you. How could I? Just leave me alone, stop forcing your beliefs onto me, stop shoving your leaflets through my letterbox and FUCK OFF. I suppose if you have nothing left in life and nowehere to turn, you might become religious. If it makes you a better person then great, but I don't want to hear anything about it.

I'm so fucking fed up with living. I really can't be bothered. If I had the guts to, then I would just go and commit suicide. What the fuck do I have to live for? I have no goals for the future, I don't know what I want to do or who I want to be. I think I've had enough of it now. I'm at the point where I don't give a fucking shit about anything. What's the point of me even finishing school? Nothing is ever good enough for anyone. I always get my work thrown back into my face. I try so hard to do the best I can, but my best is never good enough. I have no motivation to do anything. Why would I? Who cares if I fail my exam and drop out of school? I don't. Not anymore. I'm fed up of doing everything wrong. I'm always going to be a negative person so I might as well learn to deal with it now. I'm sure I'll be fine later, but right now I don't feel it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just get the feeling that it would be so much better. I'd never have to go through any of this shit.