I watched Big Brother last night...
I enjoyed it *gasps*
It was worth it to hear Rodrigo having a laughing fit at the beginning of the show when he scared the dyke when she was coming out of the toilet. I think her name's Lisa, but idk. Yeah, I like him. Lol he has a funny accent. Foreign accents = win.

I'm bored lol.

Time will show ;)

That's all I have to say.

This is evidence for Dan.

I've been neglecting this blog recently. You might ask yourself how many blogs I have and the answer is four. I just blog wherever I feel like at the time. I need some more memories for my happy blog. For those of you that have never seen it before, here's the link: http://www.happydayswillhealthepain.blogspot.com/

I only write memories on that one. I'ma go do that now because I don't really have anything new to say. Still in the same situation. Also, worried about school atm too. Lots of reasons.

Would you find yourself a piece of parchment, write your child's name on it and then throw it into the Goblet of Fire? NO! Because your child can't possibly take part in the Triwizard Tournament! D:

What I'm trying to say is don't get your kids baptised when they have no choice in the decision xD

It's a binding magical contract!

I watched The School of Cock Rock last night with Tom :)
Well, he wasn't here with me, but we were watching it at the same time and talking to each other.
I enjoyed it quite a lot tbh. I like watching films with friends.
We were luaghing laughing (see that Chris? That's how you spell it) about the Chinese keyboard player kid. "You have body odour!" :L

That still doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling really ill this morning :(
I'll just have to put up with it because there's nothing that I can do about it right now. It should improve as the day goes on. Hopefully anyway.

*Sneezes 4 times in a row* That was weird :L I haven't sneezed in a long time... (excluding last night because that one was pathetic lol)

Mleh.

Fuck it.

It's Too High To Get Over (Yeah, Yeah)
Too Low To Get Under (Yeah, Yeah)
You're Stuck In The Middle (Yeah, Yeah)
And The Pain Is Thunder.

Hmm...

My brain hurts.

Enter the deepest parts of your mind...
Think back to your childhood.

Were you victims of this foul practice?

CHILD FACE BUKKAKE!

Did your parents ever spit into a tissue and "clean" your face with it?

I know mine did...

This makes me feel upset and ANGRY.

HOW DARE THEY DO THIS TO INNOCENT AND DEFENSELESS CHILDREN?
It's revolting.

I don't care what anybody tells me, SPITTING on your child's FACE to "clean" it is VILE and ANIMAL BEHAVIOUR.

I feel RAPED by SALIVA.

I mean, you wouldn't PISS on your child's face, would you?
Would you EJACULATE on your child's face?

(If you are a paedophile, then forget I asked)

What about GLANDULAR FEVER?!
Or HERPES?

Just think of the children!

SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!



"Come on, James. Let daddy gob on a tissue and rub it around your mouth" (Y)

I've just been up town with my mum.
It was nice to get out of the house properly for the first time in over a week, but I don't feel any better for it tbh. I spent £50 on fuck knows what :/
I hated not being able to walk very well and I didn't like the fact that there were so many people about and they were all getting in my way.
I just went from being uncomfortable to being in pain.
Emma's mum asked if I was feeling any better when I was in Wilkinson's and I regret that I told her anything tbh because I don't want everyone knowing my business. I just want to try and carry on with my life, but it's too difficult and I can't do it. She mentioned that everyone might be going out tomorrow and I want to go, but I'm just not up to it :(
I just feel down again and there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit here and 'take my mind off things'.
I miss Tom.

Optimist Drowns in Half Full Bathtub

I understand that I have to develop a positive attitude...

It's just difficult to do sometimes.

I feel pissed off, frustrated and tired.

11:26

I've had a terrible morning.
Possibly the worst so far.
Been to the doctors though (Y)
Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Should start to get better soon.
It's a long process, but I can do it :)
Got to be positive.

:'(

I'm feeling terrible.
I want to get up, but I can't.
Apparently I have an appointment with the doctor and 2:50pm today.
The thought of that is making me feel worse.
I know I have to push through the physical pain, but it's so hard :'(
It's not even pain. I don't know what it is. Just feeling sick.
I can hear my parents talking about it right now.
Dad's like "what time are you going to leave?"
I feel like crying.
I can't go there today. I don't feel well enough :'(
I can't even type this.

:')

Rithwik tried his very first Ribena :')

This writing moves! Yay for learning HTML :)

"Interests: Talking about me. If it ain't about me I ain't interested so please...keep your comments about YOU to YOURSELF. Thank you."

Most arrogant guy ever xD

Don't you just hate it when someone sends you a text and you don't notice it until hours later?

Jack sent me a text saying "lots of texts! :) x" at 1:08pm, but I only just realised that he'd sent it (N) I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway because it made me smile. I like the sound of unlimited texts. I have to top up by £15 each month to recieve 500 free texts. Can anybody recommend any good networks? I think it's a good idea for me to get a new phone soon because mine's kinda... shitty. I'd like one with a decent camera as well because I think I could get into taking photos. You might ask me why I don't just buy a camera, but I much prefer to have one device that does everything. I suppose it wouldn't hurt me to have both :)

I had a bit of a breakdown earlier :/
Dad came into my room and tried to talk to me when I was feeling my worst and I just burst into tears. First time he's seen me cry properly for a good 8 years. I don't like to show my emotions in front of my parents because I have to live with them. Just as I don't like to see them feeling down, I imagine they don't like to see me feeling down either. Also, I just want to get on with my life. Trying to bring a sense of normality back is very hard to do when you have people asking you "how are you feeling?" and stuff. It's also very off putting the way they begin to look at you as well. All the sympathetic smiles and shit. I'm just not into all that stuff :/

Anyway, I'm still not well. I'm feeling alright atm, but it will begin again tomorrow morning :( At least I attempted to do something today. I got out of bed, cleaned my room up a bit, had a quick shower and then got changed out of my pyjamas. I did it for my dad tbh, not myself. I felt terrible. He bought me some new pyjamas and a pair of dark curtains, which was nice :) I might be going to the doctors tomorrow. Yes, MIGHT. I get the feeling that I'll go mental when I'm there tbh and if i have to take any tests then I'm going to go insane. I don't want pills or medicine so I'm kinda fucked. I'm pretty sure it's just stress, but oh well. My parents will just force me to soon. I can't lay in bed forever. Even I know that.

Oh, does anyone know any good DS games? I can't decide for myself :/

Yes, toodle-oooo for now my lovelies.
I feel like saying "lawl" (the influence of Chaos)
LAWL.

Guess what?

Jack's online.
Shame I feel too fucking ill to talk to him.
We had webcam plans and everything, but I don't feel like it :(

I felt almost fine last night. I was nearly happy, just talking about random shit to people.
Woke up this morning feeling awful again :(
I just feel so sick. I got up to turn my TV on and when I sat down, my heart was beating so fast. Even a simple task like that is blown out of propertion. Then again, I've only been up for about 40 minutes. Mornings are the worst.

Oh well. If you click on Jack's name then a picture of him will come up :(
Need something retarded in every post.

Chillaxin'

This was yesterday:
"We've all got to stick together"

My dad is such an insensitive cunt.
I've just got up to go and eat dinner. I'm sitting in a chair, feeling uncomfortable, sick, tired and upset, I'm fighting tears, I can't breathe and my heart is beating so fast, I'm eating some crap that I don't even want and I'm trying my best to keep myself together.

Fucking arsehole. What do you mean "if you're not ill, then why have you been sitting in your room for 6 days solid?"
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
What the FUCK am I meant to say to a doctor when I don't know what I feel?
Just tell me how that works.
I can't handle it right now. I've been holding everything in for so long, pretending that everything is fine. It's not fine. Now I'm ill.
What if it's something serious? They'll want to give me all those fucking treatments and that will destroy me.

Why does he have to say things like "oh, why don't you leave it a bit longer like your mum did?"

I would've gone already if I wasn't fucking terrified.
Mum said she'd take me, but I know that's not going to happen because she's going to the hospital tomorrow to start her chemo again. Providing that her blood count isn't too low like it has been the last few times. Maybe if she'd STOP FUCKING SMOKING. That's it. Help yourself die a little quicker.

I'm so fed up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm starting to give up.
I have nowhere left to go now. My life is just becoming more and more fucked up every day.
I'm starting to not want to live it.

Enjoy reading this. I certainly enjoyed sitting in tears and writing it. (Y) Perhaps I'll make it a nice pink for you to lighten the mood.

I LackTitles

I've been awake for approximately an hour and I have spent this time reading through confessions. I have to admit, I've been reading them for about 2 days solid now and I find it rather amusing. Some of them are pretty depressing, but the ones that aren't completely make up for it.

I shall use my copy and pasting skill to share some of them with you. I really am that kind.

"Sometimes when I go to open the garage door I like to pretend that I am a Wizard. After punching in the code, I raise my hands up in the air as if i were controlling the garage and shout "Ascend, this I command", today my mom and her boyfriend were in the garage and saw the entire thing."

"I want to makeout with my dad."

"I recently tried dog food just to see if it really was "beef flavored" as advertised. It tasted like shit. Even though my dog probably doesn't know any better, I will never buy that brand of food for him again."

"My whole penis can fit in a woman's mouth.. And thats when its erect! :("

"My friend told me that he fucked a chick in the ass with vegetable oil. I laughed pretty hard.
I didn't care how much that must have hurt her ass."

http://www.checkmysecret.com/

Okay... that's enough of those.

Anyway, I'm still not feeling great. Probably going to spend today in bed. My sixth day in a row, but oh well. I'm starting to get used to it now.

I have nothing to do now :(
Tom has gone, not that we were saying much anyway.

P.S. Who can find my "secret" message in this post? ;) Lol I'm so sad.

I just got changed out of my pyjamas in a moment of enthusiasm, but my attempts to get up and do something productive were quite pathetic really. I want to do something other than lay in bed all day, but it feels so uncomfortable to get up and walk about. If it didn't make me feel so nauseous, then I'd probably have gone out quite a while ago. I really don't know what to do about this. I'm not sure whether I want to feel mentally ill or physically ill. Ideally, neither, but it doesn't seem like I have a choice right now. The choices are: a) get up and walk about, but feel sick or b) lay in bed all day, feeling down because I'm so bored.

I had a talk to mum about it last night and with dad this morning. They both said completely different things, but they were all good ideas. I know for a fact that my unhealthy lifestyle contributes to this quite a bit, so that's got to change. It's going to be difficult, but I suppose my psychological battle against food can be sorted out. Stress is another thing that I need to start dealing with. At this moment in time, I'm not dealing with it, I'm simply repressing it and carrying on with life. It's not helping me.

Yeah, so that's basically all I have to say about that for today. I shall continue with what I was doing before I decided to write this (which was nothing)

Beckham penalty: n. A piss which combines high speed and inaccuracy, hitting everywhere except its intended target.

This made me laugh.

*Sigh*

1) I feel terrible... still :/

2) I've basically cancelled meeting up with Tom, although I left it open in case I start to feel any better (which sometimes happens)

3) I was mean to him just a minute ago :(
He said that I should go to the doctors, and perhaps he's right. It's just that I've felt similar to this before and I got better. It was a few years ago, but still...
Also, I don't want to risk going there and coming back with something much worse than I've got. A simple flu could potentially kill my mum.
I'm terrified of doctors/hospitals and if they tried to do anything to me (e.g. a blood test) then I'd go mental and have a breakdown.
Even if they give me medication, I can't take it. I will just throw up any medicine or pills. I get depressed when I have to take them.
I don't know what to even say to the doctors. I have no symptoms tbh. I just feel like shit. It's much worse in the mornings and usually better by night. Sometimes I feel slightly sick, but I rarely have any pains. I just feel run down, depressed and weak etc.
I just don't see how I'm going to benefit from it right now.

4) Facebook is all fucked up. An error message came up this morning. I didn't read it because I couldn't pay attention properly. It said something about running scripts. I don't know what I clicked. Anyway, Facebook's now written in Times New Roman and Courier New fonts, nothing fits on the page properly and it's generally a pile of crap. That has pissed me off today.

5) I'm fed up of not eating properly. If you read this blog then you already know parts of the story. Basically, I'm afraid of food and won't eat "normal" things because it makes me feel sick. On the plus side, I've lost half a stone.

6) I've watched 18 fucking DVD's in about 4 days. The only one I enjoyed was Jimmy Carr. I would be very grateful if my dad went out and bought/rented me some new ones. My brain just turns off when I know what's going to happen every single time. Not only that, but it's depressing.

7) I'm still freaked out about the dream I had last night.
I doubt it will make any sense to you lot, but here it is anyway.
Me and Stuart went into Dorothy Perkins together, only it was like a chip shop/bakery. I asked the woman behind the counter if she had anything "light and fluffy." She pointed to something, but I couldn't see it because I was too small. I just nodded and agreed that I would buy it. We waited a few minutes and she handed over this big, white plate of boiled carrots and potatoes. Stuart then decided that he wanted to eat in, so we sat on the bench in the front of the shop, with the plate on our laps. He was eating all the carrots and I was eating all the potatoes. (I'm not sure why that concerned because because I fudging hate carrots) Anyway, afterwards, I wanted to buy a cake. Stuart suggested that we went to Waitrose, seeing as everything else had shut. I looks at my watch (even though I never wear one) and it was 5:56. I was like "Oh SHIT. It shuts in 4 minutes, we better run." We made it there just in time, even if it was still really busy. I was looking frantically at all their chocolate cakes, but I couldn't find the one that I wanted. I picked up a massive round one that was £11 and began to walk away with it. Then I said "dad will kill me if I buy this", so I put it back. I looked again for a smaller cake and the only one I could find had the top missing from it. I picked it up and went to the till. I was about to pay for it with a £20 note, expecting it to be expensive, but he asked me if I had any change because it was only £1. Then we walked outside and it was dark.
This is the part where I woke up, feeling confused and quite horrified. It was a bad feeling dream, but I can't work out why because nothing much exactly happened.

8) I'm really uncomfortable laying in bed. The pillows keep sliding underneath the matress somehow, and it's making my back ache. I would push the matress up, but I don't have the strength. This pisses me off.

9) Tom just signed in and didn't start a conversation. This means that he's still pissed with me (N) Either that or he's just giving me some time. Time that I probably need, but still.

10) I'm really worried that I've already thrown my geography GCSE away. I've done none of the coursework :S I mean NONE at all. I want to do it, but have no motivation. I'm already too far behind and I hate the fucker.

I shall leave it there because I'm even starting to bore myself.

Have a nice day. I know I won't.

Somebody please give me your ideas on what you think this means.

"Love is not blind - It sees more and not less,
but because it sees more it is willing to see less."

I wasn't in a good mood this morning until Tom sent me an offline message that made me smile. He always makes me smile, even when I don't feel like smiling. I'm laying in bed right now, watching a crappy Spongebob DVD. Bob L'éponge. I think the DVD's called "Spongeguard on Duty" :) It's quite comforting tbh. Not only does it make me feel like a kid again, it's easy to watch. I don't have to concentrate or anything. No one wants to concentrate when they don't feel well.

I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Probably just lay in bed all day because I don't feel up to doing anything else. I'll be on MSN, but there are only a few people that I like talking to tbh.

Yesterday was great anyway :) Quite a few funny things happened in a few hours. However, the funniest thing has got to be "my dad tried to force me into eating an ostrich burger"
It sounds so wrong xD

I went out with Tom today :)

I had a few spasms.

I feel terrible :( If I didn't have to go out in an hour and 45 minutes, I'd just go back to bed and watch a crappy DVD. I'm eating some chips atm. I'm not particularly hungry, but if I don't eat anything, then I feel worse later on. Even I'm getting fed up of my complaining.

I have about half an hour until my alarm goes off. Then I'm going to get up and have a shower etc. It might make me feel a bit better. Idk. Yeah, I'm not feeling well this morning. I feel sick and tired. However, I'm still gonna go out with Tom. I can't let him down again or else it'll be the third time in a row. If I feel that bad then I'll just come home again. I felt like this yesterday for a little while, but about 3 hours later I was okay again. I just hope that's the case because I'm fucking fed up of it. I just want to enjoy myself.

Now I'm in a bit of a grumpy mood. I know that I'm going to have to wake my mum up later so that she can iron my t-shirt. Why the fuck would I want to wear a creased one? What's the point of even putting it in my wardrobe? I'm not going to wear it because it makes me feel like a tramp. At least I've got some jeans to wear today, even if they are my grey ones. The only problem is shoes. I'm not gonna wear the grey ones because it will look like an all-in-one suit, so I'll wear my black ones. To my knowledge, they're covered in mud. Then again, all my shoes are covered in mud. Oh, apart from my purple Converses. I don't wear those often though because they give me blisters. *Sad face* Daddy bought those for me as a treat one day when we went to Cambridge.

I'm hoping daddy will take me shopping some time soon because I need clothes. I need new school trousers and shoes most, but also stuff to wear in my own time. If I'm lucky, he'll buy it all for me too.

I started pissing about on that igod thing the other day. If you click on it, you'll be taken to the website. I managed to get it to say that it put gold in it's vagina and that it was deep and cold LOL.

fail

Me:
have you ever raped a horse?
God:
I think I have raped a horse, but Myself may have reset my memory.

:'(

Oe pqiergnbu eoihreoin popjow awusbd uaboiknvo vou fojakn vok.

That's how I feel right now.

LMFAO!

Baby, canna ye be seein'?
I be callin' a guy like ye
Ortin' ta wear a warnin'
`Tis dangerous, I be fallin`

Thar`s nay escape
I canna wait, I need a hit
Baby, give me 't
Ye`re dangerous, I be lovin` 't

Too high, canna come down
Losin' me hade
Spinnin' `round an' `round
Do ye feel me now?

Wi' a taste o' yer lips
I be on a ride
Ye`re toxic, I be slippin' under
Wi' a taste o' poison paradise
I be addicted t' ye
Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?
An' I love what ye do
Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?

`Tis gettin' late
T' give ye up
I tookst a sip from me devil cup
Slowly, 'tis takin' o'er me

Too high, canna come down
`Tis in th' air
An' 'tis all around
Can ye feel me now?

Wi' a taste o' yer lips
I be on a ride
Ye`re toxic, I be slippin' under
Wi' a taste o' poison paradise
I be addicted t' ye
Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?
An' I love what ye do
Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?

Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?

Wi' a taste o' yer lips
I be on a ride
Ye`re toxic, I be slippin' under
Wi' a taste o' poison paradise
I be addicted t' ye
Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?

Wi' a taste o' yer lips
I be on a ride
Ye`re toxic, I be slippin' under
Wi' a taste o' poison paradise
I be addicted t' ye
Dasn't ye know that ye`re toxic?

Intoxicate me now
Wi' yer lovin` now
I think I be ready now
I think I be ready now
Intoxicate me now
Wi' yer lovin` now
I think I be ready now

I feel as if I'm awake far too early. I was thinking about walking up into the town today, but I'm not sure whether I should spend another day in bed. I thought that I would feel better much quicker if I just laid there like a vegetable, watching crappy DVDs. I guess it's working so far because I'm not feeling too bad.

Well, this was pointless.

Today was pretty pointless tbh. I wanted to join in, but couldn't because I felt so ill. I just sat there and watched everyone enjoying themselves and having fun. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm starting to feel slightly concerned about the whole thing. I get periods of feeling sick, tired and weak. I felt like that for about 5 hours today. I felt a lot better when I left the house, but as soon as I got there, I felt like I was going to pass out. Everyone there must've thought I was really unfriendly :( I didn't mean to come across like that, but I couldn't help it. Jeremy was really nice to me though tbh. His hugs made me feel a lot better.

I left the whole gang of people after a while and went to the river with Stuart, Tom, this guy called Chris (not Tilly's Chris), Lee and some other guy who I really can't remember the name of :L
I started to enjoy myself a bit more then because it was quiet and relaxed. I even stopped feeling ill for a while :)

I've just eaten some chips, so hopefully I won't feel too ill later. I felt terrible yesterday, but was fine after I went out for a little while. I'm hoping the same thing will happen today tbh.

I'm going to that "manhunt" thing that everybody's been talking about. I'm not even entirely sure what that is. Something tells me that it's basically a game of hide and seek and running around in a load of trees. I really don't think I'm going to enjoy myself and I'm not particularly looking forward to it tbh. However, I will have Tom with me :) That means we can just bugger off elsewhere if I decide I don't want to be there. That makes me feel bad because I kinda invited Stuart along too :L He can come if he wants LOL :D

Haha, yes... "come" ¬¬

Anyway, my mother has been ATTACKING me ALL morning. I was like "get the fuck out of my room... and take this empty drinks can with you!"
She said something like "you can stand in your underwear and let me rub you with tan"
Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK? She's been spanking me, hugging me and kissing me all morning and I would very much like for her to FUCK OFF! :L I know I made her cook me chips and bring them up like a servant, but still!! :O

JACK'S ONLINE!! (L) WOOOOOOOOOOOO! :L

My black hoody reeks of booze and cigarettes :( I fucking hate it when my dad puts it on the coat hook with all his coats. FUCKING SPAZ. I don't want to smell like a pub! D: I'm starting to feel sorry for me.

I'm shivering :S The smell of my own hoody is making me feel sick. There's nothing I can spray it with D:

I've done absolutely nothing today.
I mean NOTHING.

The strange thing is that I've had an amazing day :)
I've really enjoyed myself.

I miss Jack :'(

This is even posted in his favourite colour.